The Next 24

Tacos and Burgers and Pizza... Oh, My!

2012-01-13T19:19:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling down lately. I can't pinpoint a reason, which makes it worse for me, but suffice to say I've been feeling blue.

Then, two days ago, my trainer tried to kill me. We'd never worked on calves before, but we did on Wednesday, and he had me do five thousand calve raises off of a step. (That's how many it felt like, anyway.) I was in tears when I finished. What he may not know is that I'll do anything he says, regardless of the pain. As usual, I want to be the alpha fill-in-the-blank. In this case, the alpha client.

When we first met, I told him I'd never use the "c" word in front of him. He said, "Thank you," but I'm not sure he understood which "c" word I was talking about. What I meant was that I'd never say 'can't.' (To be honest, I've got one heck of a potty mouth...a blue streak...I use colorful language freely. In other words, I could make a sailor blush. So it's entirely possible that he was thanking me for promising not to use another "c" word in front of him.) I suppose it's possible he wasn't trying to kill me. Maybe it's my fault for not crying "uncle," but I never have and I don't intend to.

After today's workout, while running errands, I was limping so badly that people were looking at me funny.I couldn't stand up straight. So I was in pain, feeling down, and to top it all off, people were staring at me, which I hate. My mind went to the place it naturally goes on days like today: I wanted comfort food.

I started going through a mental list: tacos, burritos with sour cream and extra cheese, bacon double cheese burgers (even though I don't eat red meat) pizza, macaroni and cheese...but something happened that has never happened to me before. A not so little voice spoke up almost immediately asking how I'd feel if I ate those things and the answer was immediate: I'd feel horrible. There was no internal debate, and no conscious decision to make. The knowledge was just there, and it chased away the thoughts of food. I knew I'd feel sluggish and uncomfortable if I were to eat unhealthy food and that's the reason I didn't. Not because I'm on a diet - which I don't consider myself to be - not because of guilt or embarrassment, and not because I would be a "bad girl" if I gave in. I made the choice based on how the food would make my body feel.

This was a definite first for me. Fat or thin, all my life, food has been about comfort. I've never thought of food as fuel, but rather as a way to pass the time, a punishment, a reward, a friend, a way to numb out...a drug.

Today, I didn't dwell on the semi-cravings or the instant reasoning that took them away. It all happened more as a fleeting thought. It's only now, as I reflect on this afternoon, that I realize the significance of what happened. It feels like real progress.

It feels good.

"Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides."

2012-01-10T20:34:00.001-07:00

A counselor once told me that, and I understood exactly what she was telling me, but I've never been able to fully explain it to someone else without an example. Unfortunately, I have a new one to share.

A friend of mine from my using days connected with me on Face Book a couple of years ago. We were close, he and I, and I'd thought about him often since becoming sober. When he contacted me, I had about three years clean time and, while still fragile, I was feeling pretty good about things.

He told me he was doing well, was out of prison and had started his life again. He was going to school, working, and the pictures in his online albums showed a healthy, happy man. He missed me. I missed him. He wanted to get together to catch up. I couldn't do it.

I told him how much I wanted to see him, but that I knew I wasn't ready. "I've been clean for three years. Maybe it was all fun and games for the rest of you guys, but it was HARD for me to kick, and when I think of getting together with you, all I want to do is get high."

He understood and said he'd be there for me whenever I was ready. And I knew he was genuine.

Here's something most people don't know: regardless of what you've seen in movies or on TV, addicts, in my experience, are very supportive of one another when it comes to quitting. We know that what we're doing is killing us. We'll never voice it or even allow ourselves to think it, but deep down we know we're dying. We wouldn't wish our addiction on anyone...especially someone we care about.

So when he said he understood and that he loved me and respected my sobriety and my feelings, I knew he meant it. Every so often he'd call or e-mail me again saying how good he was doing He was sober and had graduated from school. He had a girlfriend and even though some of his friends still "played around," as he put it, he was doing great and meth held no interest for him anymore.

"Why is it so easy for him?" I'd wonder, scrolling through pictures of him fishing with a big group of friends, all smiling and hamming it up for the camera. "Why am I so weak?" I'd ask myself clicking through pictures of him at weddings and celebrations. "He's out there living this great life, and I'm hiding from the world because I'm scared to engage with it."

And I wanted to see him. I really did. I have a lot of love for this man. But when I would speak with him on the phone it was almost like I could taste the glass pipe and hear the click of a lighter. I'd cry after hanging up because I couldn't quit thinking about meth,. All of this made me feel weak and unsure of myself and whether or not I was really in recovery, or if I were just hiding from my addiction.

Why don't I feel the way he looks?

I found out a couple of days ago that he's been arrested again for possession with intent, and conspiracy. This is his third felony drug offense and he's currently on parole.

I have mixed emotions. My heart is breaking for him. He's a wonderful man with a good soul, and trite phrases like, "lost potential" are floating through my head. At the same time I feel like I dodged a bullet. Not that I would have used with him or that it would even have been possible, but it would have opened a door that's best left locked forever.

Sometimes I think it would be nice if we could all see each other for who we really are all the time. It might save a lot of heartache.

Fixing the Hole Where the Rain Gets In... part deux

2012-01-08T23:02:00.000-07:00

I'm 43 years old and I'm tired of battling my food issues. I'm a recovering addict - Feb. 2012 will mark my 5th year clean from a 6 year meth addiction. These past few years, though, I've felt like a fraud. I may have quit using meth, but I continued doing what I've done my whole life - turned from one addiction/distraction to another. Most recently, I turned from meth to food.

Addiction is addiction. It's all the same thing - desperately trying to fill a bottomless hole in order to avoid falling into it.

I've been to rehab. I've seen therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists for my severe depression since I was 13 years old. But I found myself at the age of 43 still trying to "numb out," only this time it was with food.

It occurred to me that if I were going to be "fixed," it would have happened by now. I am what I am. Unfortunately, being cognizant of the source(s) of my issues doesn't make everything alright. I still feel broken, and I'm tired of being broken. I'm tired of hopping from one addiction to the next trying to escape myself. I don't want to hurt myself any more than I already have.

"What I need is a permanent band-aid." That's what I told my trainer the first day I met him. "Look," I said, "I'm broken." And I went on to explain to him what I've just explained to you here. "What I need is a permanent band-aid, and this 'training thing' better be it, because I'm out of options." (Those words may sound tough, but when choked out between sobs, tears and a runny nose, trust me...they're just pathetic.)

It wasn't quite a spontaneous decision, but almost. I had a part time job at the time cleaning the gym by my house. That's when I first saw Jacob: This high-energy bald guy with a perma-grin. Which would have been cheesy enough to make me want to smack the shine off his dome, except that he seemed genuine.

And he is.

I've been training with Jacob for about four weeks. I never thought I'd say this, but going to the gym is absolutely, definitely, without a doubt my favorite thing in the world right now. I look forward to my workouts and I dread the days between them. (It doesn't hurt that Mr.Clean is easy on the eyes, either.) My body is responding and showing changes I used to fantasize about while sitting on the couch eating ice-cream and watching The Biggest Loser.

I have high hopes for this new way of life which, by the way, is what I'm calling it. No more diets. No more fads. No more eating disorder. No more self-loathing. That's the goal, anyway. It's a process.

I'm working on the no diet thing first.

Andy Warhol Was Right

2011-11-11T07:16:00.001-07:00

"Everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes."

That's what he said. I guess he was right, because I got my moment in the sun a couple of weeks ago when channel 7 decided to do a story about my fledgling cookie business. You can see it here.

Everyone does background checks these days. (The only reason we live where we do, the United Colors of Benetton, is because they were the only ones who would take us with my drug conviction.) I applied for jobs that I was more than qualified for and in some cases was turned away from the interview when they found out about my past.

So I started baking and decorating custom sugar cookies. I knew nothing about it at first. Well, nothing more than slapping frosting on cookies with the family at Christmas time. So I researched cookie decorating. How do professional "cookiers" get from frosting-slapping to works of art?

I spent days watching YouTube videos, reading books and blogs...and practicing. That was four months ago. Today, my little business is growing little by little and I'm very content. I love what I'm doing and I'm getting better at it every day.

You can see what I've been up to on my Kimbo's Cookies Facebook page here, and visit my website here.

The Other Faces of Meth

2011-03-18T18:25:00.002-06:00

I've posted lists like this before - headlines from around the country - and I'm extending the list here. I do this, not as a way to sensationalize the problem, but to show the other side. Meth addicts aren't all diseased looking skeletal figures lurking in alley ways in search of the next fix. Some of us, even at the height of our addiction, were people you would never suspect of having ANY kind of drug problem.

Think of it this way: If someone from the infamous "Faces of Meth" poster offered you drugs, would you take them? No way in hell! Why? Because you don't want to end up like them. But what if the person offering looked "normal," was upstanding, maybe even a leader in the community? You might think differently.

It's dangerous to think of a certain type of person as the enemy when the enemy is all around. The enemy is meth, regardless of the packaging. To think that meth addiction can only happen to "people like that," is dangerous.

It's not them you need to be afraid of. It's us. People like:

Pickens Judge Indicted, Arrested On Another Drug Charge - Charged With Methamphetamine Possession Twice In Less Than Two Weeks.

Principal Of Alternative Learning School, Plus 27 Others Indicted As Members Of A Meth Ring.

Daycare Was Doubling As A Methamphetamine Lab - Owners Charged.

Teacher Accused Of Selling Methamphetamine From School.

Spencer County Chief Deputy, 7 Others Indicted On Meth Manufacturing Charges.

Wife Of County Judge Charged With Meth Possession

A Highly Decorated 18-Year Veteran Of The Oakland County Sheriff's Department Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine - Found Unconscious In Truck With Belt Around His Arm And A Syringe In His Lap.

Luna County Sheriff's Deputy Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine.

22 Year Veteran Of Honolulu Police Force Gets Five Years Prison For Selling Methamphetamine

81 Year-Old Man Faces Up To 12 Years In Prison After Being Convicted Of Selling Methamphetamine.

Retired St. Paul Police Officer Pleads Guilty To Possession Of 12 Pounds Of Methamphetamine With Intent To Distribute

Speech Language Pathologist With Fort Smith School District Accused Of Delivery Of Methamphetamine.

50 Year Old Elementary School Art Teacher Charged With Keeping Meth In Desk

Anti-Drug Investigator charged with stealing seven kilos of methamphetamine.

Award-winning Anti-Drug Essayist Gets 10 Years For Distributing Meth

Special Education Teacher In Oahu Accused Of Dealing Crystal Meth

83 Year Old Woman Accused Of Attempting To Smuggle 10 Pounds Of Meth

Fernley Intermediate School Teacher And Husband Charged With Selling Methamphetamine

First Grade Elementary School Teacher Arrested For Allegedly Possessing Methamphetamine

Animal Control Officer Arrested For Possession Of Methamphetamine

One Of The Nation's Most Influential Evangelical Leaders Admits To Buying Methamphetamine

Drug Counselor In New York Charged With Operating Meth Lab

Children's Aid Society Worker Convicted Of Trafficking A Kilo Of Methamphetamine

Citibank VP Had A Meth Lab In His Penthouse

Former Bank Of America Manager And Meth Addict Commits Suicide In Jail

Doctoral Student And Fullbright Scholar At Columbia University Charged With Making Meth

Cook County Assistant States Attorney Charged With Meth Possession

Senior Citizen Was Selling Crystal Methamphetamine From Home

Moss Point Police Officer Arrested For Possession With Intent To Distribute Methamphetamine

Former Hutchinson Correctional Facility Employee Pleads Guilty To Trafficking Methamphetamine

Prominent Estate Lawyer Arrested For Methamphetamine

Louisiana Doctor Pleads Guilty To Buying Half Pound Of Methamphetamine

Member Of The Crystal Lake City Council Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine

Mayor, Police Chief, Police Dispatcher, Bail Bondsman Face Charges Involving Methamphetamine, Theft, Sex Ring

Wabash Valley Correctional Facility Officer Arrested For Financing Delivery Of Methamphetamine

First Grade teacher at Christ the King School Arrested In Maui's Biggest Drug Bust - 14 1/2 Pounds Of Cocaine, 6 Pounds Of Crystal Methamphetamine Seized

Former Howard High School Teacher Sentenced To Six Years For Meth Distribution Conspiracy

Former County Prosecutor On Drug Charges - Detectives Discover Methamphetamine, Guns And Drug Paraphernalia In Attorney's Home

Former National Merit Scholar Semi-Finalist With BA In Psychology and Olympic Track Aspirations Pleads Guilty To Murdering Girlfriend During "Methamphetamine-Induced Psychosis"

Former River Hill High School Teacher Sentenced To 6 1/2 Years For Scheme To Sell $ 50,000 Worth Of Methamphetamine

Former Brownwood Police Officer Sentenced In Methamphetamine Distribution Conspiracy

75 Year Old Grandmother Sold Methamphetamine From Home

Special Education Aide At Carson City School District Arrested For Suspicion Of Felony Possession Of Methamphetamine

Employee Of Health And Human Services Arrested On Suspicion Of Felony Trafficking In Methamphetamine

50 Year Old Middle School Principal In Pennsylvania Accused Of Dealing Methamphetamine From His Office

Ex-Township Supervisor In Michigan Pleads Guilty In Meth Case

Kids Soccer Coach In Michigan Arrested On Charges Of Manufacturing/Delivery Of Methamphetamine

Former California State Prison Guard Pleads Guilty To Smuggling Methamphetamine Into Amador County Prison And Delivering It To Inmates

Daughter Of Chief Justice In Canada Pleads Guilty To Several Charges Relating To Identity Fraud - Family Says Addiction To Crystal Meth Is To Blame

Man Described As A Model Citizen And Family Man Behind New Jersey's Largest Ever Meth Seizure

Iowa Doctor Arrested For Possession With Intent To Deliver After 11 Pounds Of Meth Found In His Home

47 Year Old Pottsboro Dentist Arrested for Meth Use

Second Lawyer In Two Weeks Arrested For Selling Meth To Police Informant In Evansville

Probation Officer Arrested For Selling Methamphetamine

Attorney, Chairman of National Drug Council Convicted Of Meth Possession (Cayman Islands)

Police Chief In Damascus Virginia Charged With Selling Meth To Undercover Informant

Happy Birthday, Andy!

2011-02-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. This is my son's birthday/Mamma Mia wedding cake that he wanted for his birthday. After many, many labor intensive hours, I now know why cake makers charge so much. My back is killing me, my kitchen is covered in powdered sugar and butter cream and I think every dish I own is dirty, but it was worth it.

And today is my four year anniversary of being sober. Nice:)

It's All For You

2011-02-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, Andy will be 20 years old and I'm making him a wedding cake for his birthday. That's what he wants, so that's what I'm giving him. Maybe it's just coincidence, but it wasn't until I got sober that I started really listening to him.

Since Andy was born, I went out of my way to try and make things as normal as possible for him. As a single mom of an only child with a disability, I tried particularly hard to make Christmas, Easter and his birthday special. I wanted him to experience the traditions my brother and I had as we were growing up: believing in and waiting for Santa, the excitement of presents under the tree, the surprise Easter baskets from the Easter bunny, egg hunts, special birthdays...

But Andy never got it. He never understood those abstract concepts, and to make matters worse, he's never cared much for candy, so stockings and baskets filled with chocolate and jelly beans meant nothing to him. That didn't stop me from trying, though. I kept thinking that one year, it would click with him and he'd get to experience the magic I remembered as a child.

I bought him a tricycle for his fifth birthday and and spent the entire night putting it together complete with a little license plate with his name on it. I tried to teach him to ride it. Other people, his grandparents and therapists, have tried over the years to teach him to ride a bike, but he doesn’t get it.

I’d watch other kids do all the things kids are supposed to do, and I’d secretly resent them. I’ve never cared about the Down syndrome. I just wanted him to have a normal, happy childhood.

One Easter, when he was ten years old, I designed an extravagant basket heaped with solid chocolate bunnies and all the other required goodies that any good parent would provide in attempt to disguise themselves as a giant, invisible rabbit. I spent hours dyeing elaborate eggs.

On Easter morning, I brought him out to the living room and could barely contain my excitement.

"Andy, look! The Easter bunny was here! Look what he brought you!" I was so giddy, I could barely stand still.

Andy took one look at the basket, waved his hand in dismissal and said, "Oh, no fanks, Mom," and padded off toward his room in his little yellow blanket sleepers.

I was crushed.

Now, in my defense, I was also exhausted from having been up most of the night dyeing and designing, so I blame what happened next on temporary insanity: I yelled.

"Fine! You know what? It's been me the whole time. There is no Santa Claus! There is no Easter Bunny! It's just me. It's always been me!" I sat down in the middle of the living room and started crying.

Andy turned around and looked at me, his head tilted to one side. He came to me, wrapped his skinny arms around my neck and kissed my nose. Then he patted my cheek and said, "It's awright, Mom. It's okay," and padded off down the hallway to watch Star Wars in his room.

I least I bought the kind of candy I liked.

So this year, he wants a wedding cake for his birthday because his favorite movie du jour is Mamma Mia. He keeps saying he's getting married tomorrow. To who? I don't know. I think to the movie itself. I guess he thinks if he has the cake it's a done deal. So that's what I'm getting him. For better or for worse, I'm making a three tier wedding cake with each tier a different flavor and filling. It certainly isn't what I would want. It most DEFIANTLY isn't what his grandfather wants for him, but it's what Andy wants more than anything. And it's his birthday.

Okay.

I'll love you more than anybody can

2011-02-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

My bug-in-a-boy-suit
My perfect person
The best human I've ever known

Last night, not long after falling asleep, my son's voice broke through my dreams. Mommy! Mommy! So rarely does he use those two syllables, and when he does, they tear at the corners of my heart. The last time I remember him saying, "Mommy! Mommy!" was the first time he came to visit me at the Walker Center after I'd been there a week. I'd just rounded the corner of a long hallway to see him standing at the other end, and when he saw me, he threw his arms out and started running toward me with that slightly loose hipped gait I'm so familiar with as a parent of a child with Down's syndrome. We could have been two lovers on a beach in a cheesy love story, running toward each other in that hallway, but there was nothing cheesy about our reunion. Our hearts are magnets for each other. It's a law of physics.

When I heard those words again last night, the surreal images of my dreams were vivid, but I recognized the reality of his voice, and called him to my bed.

Patter, patter, thud, thud, patter, patter, thud....scurry up and over and under the covers with Mom.

I cradled his head in the nook of one arm and traced an imaginary line from his temple to the nape of his neck with the fingertips of my other hand as we lay there in the dark, foreheads touching. "What's wrong, honey? Did you have a sad dream?" Sniff. Swallow. "It's okay. Mom's here. Everything's alright now. Shhh." Sniff. Sigh.

He reached up, pointed to his eye, and in the shadows I could see him tug at one lower lid. "Wook, Mom. I cwyin'."
"I know, baby. You had a sad dream, huh?" Sniff.

We lay like that for a while and when I thought he was drifting away, I turned to face the opposite direction. (I should get a Nobel Peace Prize for enduring my son's morning breath.) As I lay there, edging back toward sleep, I was once again caught in the all too familiar loop of agonizing yearning for something I've never had: insight to my son's thoughts, hopes and dreams. His expressive speech is the area I struggle with most. He can't tell me what he's feeling, or dreaming, or hoping, or wishing, and I want so much to know those things about him. After almost twenty years, you would think I'd be used to it. I'm not.

I was almost asleep again when I felt his square little hand brush my hair back from my cheek. His touch was as soft as his whisper. "Mom. Shhhh. Ess okay. Enna hospital. Shhhh. Andy take care of you, Mom. Ess okay. Shhhh."

His hand moved down my back to rest over where my left kidney is. "Inna take care of you, Mom. Shhhh. Ess okay."

It was all I could do to lie still and keep silent

I didn't get much sleep last night. Neither did he, but he doesn't know that I know that. I was too aware of whispering hands and dragon breath trying to assure me, even as I slept, that everything would be all right for me today, and on Monday, as well.

And I can't stop thinking about how much I learn by being silent.

Don't look back, you can never look back

2011-02-03T12:44:00.001-07:00

The worst thing for me about being in recovery has been trying to forgive myself for my past. The hurt I've caused other people, damaged relationships, things I've said and done, or didn't but wish I had. "Forgive yourself and move on." That's what they'll tell you. And they're right. I've spoken before about the law of attraction, and it's in this area that the concept has helped me most. The more I think about what might have been, or what I think should have been, the more I'm living in that moment, and the less I'm present in this one.

I get all that. I agree with all that. It's the cornerstone of my recovery. But it's hard, and I'm human, and today, I'm kicking the hell out of myself.

I'm having surgery Monday morning. There's a three inch stone in my left kidney that looks a lot like this:

Tomorrow, I'll go in to radiology where they'll insert a tube through my back into my left kidney. On Monday, I'll be admitted for the surgery. The doctor will enter the tube, puncture my kidney and (his words here), "Use a jackhammer to break it up and then extract the pieces. It's too big and too involved for us to handle it any other way."

A jackhammer. I love technology.

What does this have to do with being a recovering meth addict? Meth, unlike other drugs and alcohol, is metabolized by the kidneys rather than the liver. I did have a kidney stone when I was using. I remember going to the hospital (although I don't remember having a CAT scan, which I apparently did.) I know that when it passed, I refused to take it back to the hospital to have it examined for cause. In my drug soaked mind, I assumed it was made up exclusively of meth and therefore saw no reason to involve any authorities. Embarrassing, but true.

That was in 2005. I had no further problems until a year ago when one thing led to another and I ended up at a urologist who sent me for a CAT scan and X-ray, which showed the lovely image you see above.

Lots of things can cause kidney stones - many of which are innate to the lifestyle of a chronic meth-addict. The leading cause of kidney stones is lack of water. Check.(Meth addicts are notorious for forgetting to do things like eat and drink.) Excessive use of caffeine? Check. (And when we do, it's rarely what we should be drinking. Some of us could just never get too amped.)

So I asked my doctor, as I sat looking at the twisted, gnarled thing on the X-ray: did I do this to myself? Is this the result of my meth addiction? He told me no, because it's been growing for the past five years. We know this because of the first CAT scan and stone I passed at the time. What else could he tell me? "Yes, you did this to yourself and...."

And what? What does it matter? Next Sunday, February 13th, I will have been sober for 4 years. It's pretty obvious, even to an ex meth-head like me, when I put the numbers together that it is possible that I did this to myself. But I'll never know for sure if my meth use caused this, or if it's just "one of those things." I have my suspicions, but I doubt I'll ever know.

And what if I did?

There's no way to isolate the situation. I can dwell and worry and regret and drive myself crazy with the what if's. It won't change anything. All I can do - with everything in my life - is the best I can with what I have. My past serves to inform my present choices. "I probably should make sure to drink a lot of water."

To spend my energy on regret leaves me empty for today, and today I want to play with my *bug-in-a-boy-suit before I go to the hospital tomorrow. And I want to hang out with him this weekend. Next week, I'll make his birthday cake... and on and on I'll go, doing the next right thing. Because I can't change my past, but I can try like hell to make sure that from now on, my decisions are the right ones.

*one of many nicknames for my son, Andy - for those who may not know;)

Kid...we don't like your kind

2011-02-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

A year and a half ago, I had a job. I made decent money and didn't despise what I did, though I always viewed it as a of weigh station until my book was published. Then I lost it. The job, that is. Or rather, I was fired. No warning signs, not an inkling of what was to happen on that lovely June afternoon. Just BAM! You're outta here, kid, and don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

I was crushed. I completely fell apart. Not because I loved the job so much, but because I knew what it meant for someone in my position to be suddenly out of work. Have I mentioned that I'm a felon? Yes sir, a middle aged woman with a felony drug conviction and, thanks to years of addiction and self-destruction, a rather shady resume. Don't get me wrong. I have what the hip kids would call mad skillz - I just look bad on paper.

My sudden change in employment status coincided nicely with the economic downturn, and jobs were scarce, as they still are. But I managed. The following day, I was offered a part time job driving for my son's van service. Perfect! So I turned down the air conditioner, made a few other minor adjustments, and found a way to survive on half of what we had previously. I concentrated on the book and wrote a not so good novel. Then I lost my job driving.

It seems Medicaid took over the transportation services and they don't want felons driving for them unless the felony is five years old. Rat bastiges. Fargin ice-holes. So I finished collecting what was left of my unemployment, which ran out in November last year.

I looked for a job. I interviewed. The felony issue always came up. (I don't remember job applications having so much focus on criminal history when I was younger.) So I started thinking, "This isn't fair. I can see people not wanting to hire child molesters or rapists, but me?? ME? This just isn't right. And I know there are others like me who need...no...deserve a break. I know what I'll do! Someday, I'll open a business and make it a point to hire people with felonies. People who are marginalized by the system. Damn it, I'll make a place for us! As God as my witness!"

I was feeling self-righteous. I was going to fight the good fight for myself and others like me. I'd be like MLK leading the way for people who just want the right to work like anyone else. I was energized. And then I thought,
"Yeah, but I don't want a bunch of criminals working for me."

Ah. Right. Okay, okay, so I get it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

So until the book sells, I've taken matters into my own hands. Have you seen this?

We do what we can with what we have. So far, so good.

'Cuz I am whatever I say I am

2011-01-29T08:10:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to get my groove back in anticipation of upcoming events. I updated my Twitter and Linked In accounts, linked my Facebook, Blogger and Twitter accounts so I can update from one to another with the click of a button, I've started talking about the book again...

It's overwhelming, making sure I've got all the social networking bases covered, but that's what I need to keep on top of in order to expand my platform. Yes. I said expand my platform, which implies that one already exists, because it does. In my mind.

In my mind, I'm published. In my mind, I have an audience of people who's lives I've touched and who've touched mine. In my mind, I answer every letter and e-mail I get from people all over the world who've read my book and connected with something I said. In my mind, my second book is close to publication.

Fantasy? Not exactly. It's the law of attraction. Whatever I give energy to is what I'm going to get more of.

The concept was first introduced to me when I was in rehab at the Walker Center in 2006. Being of extremely unsound mind and body at the time, I wrote it off as a lot of new-age bullshit. It's difficult to get your mind around new concepts when you can't even see straight.

But the seed was planted and as I stumbled through my first couple of years of recovery, I heard about it more. About two years ago, I started actively using the principles of the law of attraction - tentatively at first, and even still. It works. And it'll keep working as long as I keep working at it. Which is the direction I want to take with this blog. I have a lot of anecdotal evidence to share with you, and I have a strong feeling that there is more in the very near future.

We'll talk more...

Tell me more about me, baby

2011-01-27T07:24:00.002-07:00

I heard from my editor last night. After waiting months for her feedback on the final draft of the manuscript, I was looking forward to getting everything by the end of this week. Last night, I received an e-mail from her.

". . . [an independent reader has] been very enthusiastic about the memoir (as I expected)--I asked him to read at least the first fifty pages and more or all if he had time. He told me that he was completely captivated by the first fifty, couldn't put it down, and really wants to finish and comment all the way through. He's perhaps a little less than halfway through at this point. I'd like to take a look at his thoughts before sending everything on to you--I'm going to keep his feedback separate so you can see how someone unfamiliar with the story reacts, of course--but I do think it makes sense to have everything together and to read his feedback to see if there are any last things to consider. I expected him to be this enthusiastic--you really did a great job with this revision, and have written some of the toughest scenes so well. . . ."

So I won't be hearing anything until next week, and that's fine. After all this time, what's another week, right? The thing that's bothering me is how I'm reacting to what she said: I feel numb.

If she had criticism for me, I'd take those words, and the ones between the lines, internalize, analyze and weave them into the fabric of self-loathing and doubt I've cloaked myself in my entire life. It's that which is most familiar to us that's easiest.

When I read her e-mail, my knee-jerk reaction was, "Bullshit. You're not ready. Why not just say so instead of all the dick-stroking?"
Isn't that awful?? I don't know if it's the addict in me, or the writer or, more likely, both. I'm terrible at accepting compliments. The reasons could fill a book. They have filled a book. One of the biggest things I've had to work on in recovery is accepting compliments at face value rather than assuming that everyone has ulterior motives.

Every once in a while I have the audacity to think that I'll wake up one day and be "cured" of addiction and all the twisted, illogical thinking that goes along with it. Maybe it's enough, some days, just to be able to wake up.

Helplessly hoping

2011-01-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

Still waiting. STILL waiting. The book is with my editor after the third rewrite. I sent it to her in November. She says she'll be ready for me by the end of this week. This will be the final edit and then I'll send it back to my agent. And all this time I'm supposed to be "building my platform" - a darling phrase of the publishing industry meaning I'm supposed to be busy creating an audience for my book.

How do you create hoopla for something that doesn't exist? How am I supposed to get other people exited about something I'm not even sure is going to happen? It's hard enough keeping my own passion alive.

That's why I haven't been blogging. I'm starting to feel like a fraud. Like the person who's always talking about the great things they're going to do, but they never actually DO anything. Pretty soon, you quit listening.

Anyway, I've been doing this to pass the time.

Fixing the hole(s) where the rain gets in

2010-05-29T07:28:00.003-06:00

A lot of people have been asking/commenting on the fact that I've been notably absent lately from the online community. I've also been more absent than usual in the 3D community. One reason is that I've been dealing with some medical issues in the past few months. (I'm fine. I'm okay. Or, I'll be fine, I'll be okay.)

I thought I'd take a minute to share some information that might be helpful to some of you.

I'm poor and uninsured. There. I've said it. That being the case, these past few months have been especially stressful for me because of doctor bills, lab tests, prescriptions, etc. But even though I've spent hundreds of dollars that I technically don't have, I've also saved hundreds. How?

ASK! ASK! ASK!

So many people are uninsured (or grossly under insured) and those in the medical profession understand this. There's no shame in needing medical help and not being able to afford it. Let me say it another way. You deserve to be healthy regardless of your financial situation. Obamacare not withstanding.

There are four things I do regularly that save me HUNDREDS of dollars every month.

1) Ask your doctor if they offer reduced rates for services. If you don't ask, you'll never know. Some doctors and other professionals have a sliding fee scale. Some will offer you the rate at which they are reimbursed by insurance companies - which is seldom the number you see on your bill. I did this and had one person reduce their rate from $100 to $60. All I had to do was ask.

2) If you're going in for a follow up visit to have something re-checked, ask if it's possible to have the nurse run the test or do the check up. I had to go back to one doctor for a follow up test. The cost for the office visit was $125. I asked if I could just see the nurse and have her run the simple test. Cost? $8.

3) Before getting a prescription filled, call every pharmacy in your area and get their price. Generics are always better if your doctor agrees. Then, if it's not convenient to drive all around town, go to your nearest pharmacy and ask them to match the lowest price you can find. It's been my experience that they always will. After all, they would rather have some of your money than none of it. I've paid $11 for a $34 prescription. You just have to ask.

4) For expensive, ongoing prescriptions, there are almost always patient assistance programs. Ask your doctor, or go online to find out about them. Just do a Google search for the brand name. You can download the forms. You'll fill out a page or two, include your most recent tax return and give the whole thing to your doctor who will fill out the rest and send it in for you. If you qualify, your meds will be shipped directly to your doctor in three month supplies. You'll have to re-apply every six months, but for someone like me, it's more than worth it. I take over $1000 in medication every month - and it's all free. Directly from the drug company that makes the product.

Take care of yourself. Easy to say, believe me, I know. But it IS possible if you're willing to ask for help.

Anyone else have any tips on how to save money on healthcare if your uninsured?

Ok Go - Here It Goes Again (The Treadmill Video)

2010-05-17T08:08:00.000-06:00

Body Image

2010-05-06T16:43:00.002-06:00

I was in the shower this morning when my son walked in for whatever reason, and something occurred to me. I have never been self-conscious around him. I don't run around in the nude, of course, but since it's always been just the two of us, we pretty much have an open door policy.

Andy has absolutely no modesty, much to his grandfather's disdain since we've been staying with them for a few weeks. I bought Andy a robe years ago, but the only good we've gotten out of it is the wrap around tie-belt thing. I use it to tie my face shut at night. (I have sleep apnea and I'm a mouth breather, but I digress.)

Anyway, Andy doesn't know what it is to be ashamed of one's body. All his life I've told him, every single day, that he's the most perfect, the smartest and the handsomest boy in the world. Because he is. (Well, he's 19 now, so technically he's a man, but I can't bring myself to call him that yet.) No one has ever told him anything different, so why should he think otherwise? But here's what I thought about this morning. Andy doesn't care what I look like either.

When he walks in on me in the shower, he doesn't look at my stomach and say, "Whoa, Mom! What the hell happened there?" He doesn't look at my breasts and say, "Dontcha you trip over those a lot?" He just sees me. His Mom. And he loves me.

I have a lot to learn from my son. It's a good thing he's sticking around for a while.

Dealing With ED

2010-05-04T09:55:00.002-06:00

I feel like a fraud.

I finished my memoir about my meth addiction and recovery. I signed with an agent. I've worked with two editors and am beginning the final draft of the book. And I feel like it's all bullshit. All I've done is trade one addiction for another.

I've struggled with bulimia and compulsive overeating all my life. This is my eating disorder. My ED. It started when I was twelve years old. The only time I've been free from it is when I've been on drugs. It's amazing what cocaine, prescription diet pills and/or meth will do for and eating disorder. Why, the ED just disappears! But take away the drugs and here we go again.

So I'm a fraud.

It's all the same thing - numbing out. Things or ways to distract me from whatever demons I'm still running from. I thought I was fixed. I thought I was all better. I thought that being drug and alcohol free meant everything was okay. But it's not. I'm not.

So I put myself in Fat Chick Rehab at my parent's house a few weeks ago, and it's helped. (My parents are truly wonderful people. They're the ones who made it possible for me to go to drug rehab.) I've lost weight - the healthy way - and started exercising every day. Being with Mom and Dad has helped get me on the right track. It's also been a reminder of the origin of my eating disorder. So I'm moving back home this weekend.

My parents aren't the cause of my bulimia any more than they're the cause of my drug addiction. They didn't cause it, and they can't fix it. I have to do that. So I'm going back to a therapist I saw ten years ago who specializes in eating disorders. I quit seeing her because my ED disappeared.

I didn't tell her I'd started doing cocaine and prescription diet pills. This time I will.

A Hiatus That Really Wasn't....

2010-04-27T10:33:00.001-06:00

...it was more like a giant slump. Actually, speaking of it in the past tense isn't honest. I've been hosting a battle in my head,(okay, battles,)not the least of which concern the following questions:

1) Would it be in my best interest to use this blog to talk about other addictions I suffer from?

2) Would baring even more of my ragged soul help others who might be afflicted themselves?

I'm not sure of the answers yet, but I'm leaning toward full disclosure. In the meantime, know that THIS is how I feel most of the time.
** Disclaimer: My current issues have nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, but Gary Busey just kills me.

Alcoholism is not just a human defect

2010-02-05T06:32:00.002-07:00

2010-01-26T09:48:00.002-07:00

Dual Diagnosis and Recovery (repost)

2010-01-17T19:43:00.002-07:00

Once it became painfully clear that I needed to go to rehab for meth addiction, I knew I also needed a dual diagnosis program. It wasn't difficult to find one. Many addicts have mental health issues in concurrence with their addiction problems. I don't know the exact statistics but as I said, finding a program that would treat both addiction and underlying pathologies wasn't hard. The hard part was finding a program that actually treated mental health rather than just using the catch phrase 'dual diagnosis' as an advertising gimmick.

* * * *

I've had chemical depression all my life. This is different from the depression that most people go through at one time or another. The chemicals in my brains don't work like they should. Much like a person with epilepsy, I need daily medication to be able to function.

Unlike epilepsy, though, there's a huge stigma associated with mental illness. Especially depression. In the past twenty years or so, it seems everyone is on some kind of anti-depressant. It's almost chic. People even put their dogs on medication for depression and other 'puppy pathologies'. There are television and print ads all the time for one drug or another. "Tell your doctor you want (fill in the blank). It will open up a whole new world for you."

A quick aside: doesn't asking a doctor for medication as opposed to having one recommended make him/her a drug dealer? Just an observation...

I don't want to have depression. I would do anything to not be the way I am. The thing is, I just am this way. For good or ill, I'm playing the cards I've been dealt. Sometimes I play them better than others.

The stigma associated with mental illness resides in my mind as much as it does in society. There are times when I need my medication adjusted. There are times I forget a dose here and there. It's during these times, when the depression breaks through, that I feel like a freak. I can't stop crying about nothing. My motor skills deteriorate. It's difficult just to get up and make it through a day. Sometimes I think the worst part is that I know how weird it is. I understand how difficult it must be for the people around me who see me fall apart for no apparent reason. Most of all, I know how helpless it makes the people who love and care about me feel. All of this, of course, makes me feel like more of a freak.

I believe much of my addiction was an attempt at self-medicating. The hideous flip side is that I've done even more damage to my brain through years of meth and other drug use. Some say the additional damage is permanent. Some say my brain will repair itself with the passage of time. Regardless, I know I have to take medication every day for the rest of my life.

The biggest obstacle for me, though, isn't the medication. It's not even the stigma. The biggest obstacle is me accepting me. I know all of this about myself, yet I still get so frustrated and self-punishing when I have to face facts. When everything is going good, my meds are adjusted correctly and I'm taking them faithfully I don't think about it too much. I take things for granted. It's when things kind of get derailed and I feel myself slipping that I start feeling like a freak again and self-loathing creeps back in.

A huge part of my recovery, though, has been getting to a place where I can accept me for me. Over time, I've started to understand that the things that make me who I am - the good and the not so good - are okay. It's how I choose to deal with my idiosyncrasies that will make or break me.

So I'm trying. I'm trying to become comfortable living in my own skin, and I'm getting better at it, too. But sometimes, like today for instance, it takes more work than others. The difference now is that I know I can get through today and things will be better tomorrow if I just do the next right thing...whatever that may be.

I lost a lot by being an addict, but I never lost my sense of humor

2010-01-12T19:33:00.002-07:00

Happy New Year

2010-01-04T04:54:00.000-07:00

Think you got lights? You don't got no stinkin' lights.

2009-12-17T06:46:00.001-07:00

Tunnel of love

2009-12-12T09:07:00.001-07:00

Things have been a little tense lately. Nothing like the holidays to amplify and magnify emotions and, unfortunately, the shit we go through in our families. Maybe it has nothing to do with the holiday season. In fact, it probably doesn't.

Addiction sucks, and one of the things that sucks the most about it is that it tends to run in families. I'm not going to get into the reasons for that here. It is what it is, and here's what it is:

My brother is an alcoholic, and it's getting worse. Actually, that's a moronic statement. What's it going to do? Get better? Not until he decides to get help, which he isn't going to do. Not right now, anyway.

Anyone who reads this blog knows I'm a big, hairy, drug craving, full-blown addict. But aren't you sober? Yes, I'm sober. Have been for nearly three years. Then what the hell are you saying? I'm saying I'm a big, hairy, drug craving, full blown addict who has been sober for almost three years. Well, what the hell does that have to do with your brother? Christ! If you'll listen, I'll tell you.**

So having lived on both sides of the whole addiction gig, I'll say first hand: You can't help someone who doesn't want help. There's just nothing you can do. NOTHING. Do you hear me? NOTHING! You can be co-dependant, which means catering and coddling, and worrying and blaming yourself, and wondering why and trying to make things "all better" - in other words: you can get lost in someone else's shit. Or you can accept the fact that what's going on has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause the problem and you certainly can't fix it. There's nothing you can do, and that's an awful realization for someone who loves an addict. (As always, addict = addict/alcoholic)

It's the most helpless feeling, to have to sit by and watch someone you care deeply about as they destroy everything around them. It's hell on earth to watch someone die because they won't ask for help. And it's those drama-filled events that happen so often, the midnight crises, the tearful moments that give pseudo hope, the brief glimpses of sanity, that make it all so much worse.

I really don't know which is worse. Living as an addict, or living with one in your life.

It's like going through a tunnel where, with every move forward, what's behind you is erased. Your only option is to go through it. There's no way to avoid the tunnel. It's just there. You can get stuck there, in the dark with your addict, or move through it, leaving them to make their own way. The only thing you have any control over, is your own journey. And that sucks. And it's excruciating, because who doesn't want to double back for a friend?

Anyway, I've moving through my own tunnel, leaving my brother behind. I hope he gets off his ass and catches up, because I love him. And I hate him. And I miss him. But in the past couple of years, I've learned (well, I'm learning) to love myself. I've worked so hard to get where I am, and I'm not doubling back to help him anymore.

There's a woman in Hawaii (I think that's where she's from) who's daughter is an active meth addict, who e-mailed me the other day. She wanted to ask me a question, but wanted to make sure she had the right person at the right e-mail address. I e-mailed her back and verified that yes, I am me, but I haven't heard back from her. So if you're reading this - it's me, and I'm checking my e-mail, waiting for you. Please write to me again.

**I've learned to embrace my Inner Dialogue, and we're getting along much better these days.

Feeling guilty about holiday eating? DON'T!

2009-12-05T08:36:00.001-07:00

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

From the (broken) Heart

2009-12-02T09:44:00.002-07:00

So many lives are affected by meth. I spent the morning reading some letters at the KCI meth website. They're both heartbreaking and eye opening. I encourage you to take a few minutes and read some of them. You can find them here. They speak for themselves.

2009-11-30T07:14:00.002-07:00

Dopamine, Methamphetamine and You

2009-11-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

This is another guest blog by Lori Pate explaining how meth affects the brain, and why it's so addictive.

Thank you, again, Lori.

First things first -- What does dopamine do anyway?
1) Dopamine is critical to the way the brain controls our movements. Not enough dopamine -- can't move, or control our movements well. Too much dopamine? Uncontrollable/subconscious movements (like picking, tapping, repetitive moments, jerking, twitching). Remember that the heart is a muscle, too, and too much dopamine will result in increased pulse and blood pressure.

2) Dopamine controls the flow of information from other areas of the brain, especially memory, attention and problem-solving tasks. This becomes important when we talk about amphetamine-induced psychosis that is common in meth abusers.

3) When dopamine is released it provides feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate us to do, or continue doing, certain activities. Dopamine is released by naturally rewarding experiences such as food and sex. This pre-programmed reward system makes sure that people do eat, do desire to procreate, and basically survive. Without enough dopamine, people feel the opposite of enjoyment and motivation -- they feel fatigued and depressed, and experience a lack of drive and motivation.

How do brain chemicals like Dopamine work?
Brain chemicals, including Dopamine, are stored in cells, which you can think of like barrels full of that chemical. When something occurs like a good meal or great sex the brain pours out some dopamine from the dopamine barrels into an open space in the brain called a synapse. It floats around there. Think of the synapse like a street, and dopamine is like little cars driving around aimlessly on the street.

Across the street (not far) from the barrels of dopamine are Dopamine receptors. These receptors have little parking spaces on them that only fit Dopamine (or a substance VERY similar in chemical shape to Dopamine) into them, like a lock and key. As the Dopamine floats around in the synapse, it finds parking spaces at Dopamine receptors, and "plugs in" to the receptors. THIS is the point where we feel good, when the Dopamine is parked in a receptor's parking space. There are, however, a limited number of receptors with "Dopamine only parking" available, and each receptor has a limited number of parking spaces. So some of the dopamine may not be able to find a place to park.

When all the parking spaces are taken, the remaining dopamine that didn't find a place to park is normally recycled. There are "reuptake molecules" that do this -- think of them like tow trucks. They find the extra dopamine, and tow it back to the barrels of Dopamine so that it can be re-used the next time. After some time has passed, the receptors release the Dopamine that was parked in their parking spaces, and the tow trucks take those Dopamine molecules back to the barrel too.

The brain has a safety-check system that will destroy any excess Dopamine that isn't in a parking space, and didn't get picked up by the tow truck. There are special chemicals in our brains that will break down this extra dopamine. Think of this like the toxic waste crew coming in and sweeping up the street.

As a last resort, after repeated long-term over-stimulation, the brain will shut down Dopamine receptors so that nothing can park there ever again. Think of this like the demolition team coming in and permanently barricading off the driveways.

This is your brain on Meth!
So now that we have a basic understanding of how things work normally, I'll try to explain how things work when meth is ingested.

When someone eats, snorts, injects, or otherwise gets meth into their system, meth stimulates those barrels of Dopamine to pour out Dopamine. Meth continues to tell the cells to pour out dopamine until the body can break down the meth, which is typically 12 hours or so.

So Dopamine is poured out into the synapse (street) and finds parking spaces at dopamine receptors and makes the user feel high.

But meth is a tricky little chemical. It is shaped closely enough to Dopamine that the tow trucks get confused, and pick up meth thinking that it is dopamine. So the tow trucks are busy driving around hijacked by meth molecules leaving the extra Dopamine molecules floating around in the street (synapse). Well... that means the toxic waste crew comes in and destroys that dopamine that did not get recycled. So for the 12 hours or so it takes for the body to break down the meth, it is also spending that time destroying dopamine.

As long as the user keeps ingesting more meth, this process continues until there is not enough dopamine left to feel high from. When the user finally stops using, and the brain breaks down the meth molecules, the recycle trucks try to salvage what dopamine there is left, while the user crashes.

The end result of a "run" or "binge" on meth is a marked decrease in the amount of dopamine left in the brain. This leaves the user feeling exhausted, hungry, depressed, possibly suicidal and definitely unmotivated. They are literally suffering from a brain chemical imbalance. Self-inflicted mental illness.

How can the brain ever be normal again?
Well, luckily, the human body is pretty resilient. We do have the ability to make replacement dopamine. However, the body was not designed to need to do this in large quantities or in quick supplies. So we don't have a mass-production plant making dopamine. It's a 3 to 4 step process, too.

The process: Phenylalanine --> Tyrosine -->L-dopa --> Dopamine

Phenylalanine is the first "pre-cursor". It can be found in the following foods: soybean protein, frozen tofu, dried and salted cod, shellfish, lean meat, organ meat, skin-free chicken, cheese, milk, eggs, many seeds (watermelon, fenugreek, roasted soybean nuts), and chocolate. Equal artificial sweetener also contains Phenylalanine. The body can turn Phenylalanine into Tyrosine.

Tyrosine can also be found in food. This would eliminate the need for the body to synthesize it from Phenylalanine. One step closer to dopamine! Meat, dairy, eggs as well as almonds, avocados and bananas are good sources of Tyrosine.

From there, the body will convert Tyrosine into L-Dopa, and then on to Dopamine (and other neurotransmitters like norepinephrine).

So... to replace dopamine destroyed while high on meth, the recovering user must eat sources of Phenylalanine or Tyrosine.

To aid the body in making Dopamine, the person can use what dopamine they DO have left as often as possible. This tells the body that they need more of it. While you sleep, you use very little dopamine. Exercising, even just a walk around the block will use dopamine (remember, it controls movement). So setting a reasonable sleep schedule, and trying to get some exercise will help speed up recovery from Self-inflicted Dopamine Destruction (aka meth addiction)!

Be patient -- remember, we weren't designed to waste dopamine, we were supposed to be recycling it. The process of replenishing dopamine takes months. Studies show that recovering meth addicts who have abstained from meth use have about 80% of normal dopamine levels after 18 months of abstinence. This WILL be a long battle. It CAN be won.

What about the receptors that were destroyed?
Well, good news again. Even though those receptors can never heal or recover, the brain is able to use existing receptors and find new pathways to accomplish the same results. Some receptors will even get a home equity loan and build on extra parking spaces!

Are there any medicines that can help?
A doctor should always be consulted and included on any medication treatment for a recovering user. Many recovering addicts have found Wellbutrin (Bupropion) to be helpful after a few months of clean time. What Wellbutrin does is block some (not all) of the tow trucks for a little while so that the dopamine the person has left can be more effective. It does not, however, stimulate the barrels to pour out dopamine. The person has to have enough dopamine in their brain before Wellbutrin can help.

Health stores do carry supplements of Phenylalanine and Tyrosine. A recovering addict who finds it difficult to eat enough protein may benefit from a supplement. Again -- consult your doctor first.

Lori Pate
B.A Psychology
University of Texas at Austin
Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor and this page was not intended to provide medical advice.

Men and Women - It's destiny

2009-11-11T07:01:00.003-07:00

I promise a serious post next time.

Finally, the long time debate over nature vs. nurture has come to an end. Result? The differences are present from the beginning.

(Just ignore the titles. You'll get it.)

Thanks, Mom, for sending me these!

This is my new inspiration

2009-11-05T10:37:00.001-07:00

I turned my television off two weeks after 9/11. (the original one) I can't deal with it.

But if I turned it on and saw this, (which I totally lifted from Janet Reid's blog) I'd probably leave it on forever.

The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One (of an addict)

2009-11-02T12:54:00.002-07:00

Guest blogger
Lori Pate
B.A. Psychology
University of Texas at Austin
Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor and this page was not intended to provide medical advice.

The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One

Many people who have loved an addict have felt like they were going insane from all the chaos, worry, regret, fear, anger, confusion and more that comes with caring for someone who is in active drug addiction.

It seems reasonable that if the addict would just stop using, everything would return to normal and a happy life would resume. There is usually more going on though. There are chemical changes happening not just in the brain of the addict, but also in the brain of the loved one.

"What? I'm not the crazy one! The addict in my life is the only one going crazy, not me!"

That isn't always true. The chemical changes in the brain of a loved one should be understood to help speed recovery. Chemical changes in the brain of someone who is constantly in a state of stress, fear, anxiety and anger are not insignificant and are accompanied by withdrawal symptoms just like an addict who stops using.

The brain uses chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters, to allow us to feel feelings. Hunger, thirst, desire, satisfaction, frustration, fear and every human emotion are felt by the activity of chemical messengers in the brain. The most important messenger in this situation is norepinephrine (also knows as adrenaline).

Norepinephrine is known as the "fight or flight" chemical messenger. This chemical is what causes us to feel a rush of energy when faced with a dangerous situation. Proper activity and levels of this messenger help humans get and keep themselves safe from harm. This chemical gives us the super-human abilities to outrun an attacker or think quickly in an emergency.

When a dangerous situation is perceived, norepinephrine is released in the brain. Receptors in the brain have "parking spaces" for the chemical to "park" in, which deliver the message. Once the chemical is plugged in, we feel a burst of energy, and a drive to get ourselves safe, take action, run or fight.

After the event is over, the messenger is released from the parking spot, and recycled to use again later. We begin to feel calmer and safer. The rush subsides. Heart rates return to normal. The feelings of fear and anxiety subside.

This happens all the time in all healthy humans.

But the human brain does not like constant stimulation. As soon as we are excited from a chemical message, the brain goes to work to return levels to normal. There are several mechanisms that work to do this. First, the chemicals are picked up by "reuptake" chemicals. Think of them like a tow truck. They are constantly floating around, looking for a chemical to tow back home. Recycling the chemicals restores levels to normal.

If constant stimulation occurs, causing constant chemical messages, recycling isn't enough. So the brain, in its effort to regain a normal balance, will begin destroying the chemicals permanently. If we are constantly in fight or flight mode, the brain determines that we have too many "fight or flight" messengers, so destroys them.

For someone who actually has too much adrenaline in their brain, this is helpful. But for someone who is constantly in a situation where they really are put under stress, and are triggered to respond to fear over and over, the destruction of their chemical messengers begins to cause a brain chemistry imbalance.

There is a third mechanism that the brain uses to restore balance. After recycling and destroying the messenger chemicals, if the brain is still being over-stimulated, it will destroy the parking spaces that the chemicals plug into. These are called dendrites. Once a dendrite is destroyed, it can not be repaired. It will never again receive the chemical message it was designed to receive. It is like yanking out the phone cord of a phone that won't stop ringing. It will never ring again.

When a loved one is in a constant state of worry and fear, the brain first experiences stimulation. It feels imperative for the loved one to take action, sometimes desperate action, in an attempt to remedy the fearful situation. If this stimulation continues day after day, the brain can not tolerate the constant stimulation and starts taking action to regain balance. Adrenaline is destroyed. Receptors are destroyed.

This is when the insanity of being a loved one really takes off. The loved one is no longer chemically balanced. Several things happen at this point:

Things that used to signal danger no longer feel so dangerous. There simply aren't enough "danger" chemicals or receptors to accurately convey the appropriate feelings. At this point loved ones may begin accepting very dangerous situations as OK. For example they may feel it is a good idea to track down a loved one at a dealer's house, or accept a loved one who is violent and abusive in their home. They may make a choice to allow a dangerous person to be around their children. This is not because the loved one just isn't making good choices. More accurately it is because their brain chemistry has been altered by the constant chaos, and they no longer have the right feelings that would initiate safe choices. Unacceptable behavior doesn't feel as truly dangerous as it is.

Still, some loved ones are aware enough to know they should stop being in a dangerous situation. When the loved one stops contact with the addict in their life, that is when withdrawal sets in.

Withdrawal occurs when the brain is accustomed to a particular level of chemical activity, and that level is suddenly reduced.

A loved one who has become accustomed to constant stimulation from fear and concern, who then suddenly finds themselves in a safe, calm environment, will feel withdrawal because their brains have adjusted to a high level of adrenaline.

Withdrawal symptoms cause the loved one to feel quite uncomfortable. They will feel sad, have sleep problems, and feel that something is missing or just not quite right. This will cause the loved one to feel a desire to reach back out to the chaos they were accustomed to. The chaos will cause a hit of adrenaline to occur. This is the exact same cycle that an active drug addict goes through: stimulation followed by withdrawal. Withdrawal feelings cause a desire to be stimulated again, because the brain does not like extremes.

Because the loved one who has undergone chemical changes has lower than normal adrenaline activity in the brain, they will crave stimulation. They will feel an overwhelming desire to "check on" the addict, or to take a phone call even though they know it will not have the end result of a pleasant conversation. They will engage in arguments that they know have no possibility of being resolved while the addict in their life is still in active addiction. The will feel drawn back to the fear and worry they just escaped.

An extreme example of this is seen when a battered spouse continues to return to their abuser despite having other options.

This is the brain chemistry side of the chaos cycle of being a loved one.

So does it ever get better?

Yes! It absolutely can get better.

The human body can make more adrenaline, to replace what was destroyed when under constant stress. Not quickly, but slowly, it can replenish the levels of adrenaline so that the person feels normal, without needing chaos in their life to achieve a balance.

The human body makes neurochemicals from our food intake. A healthy, protein rich diet gives the body the building blocks it needs to make more adrenaline. Regular light exercise, a normal sleep pattern, a safe environment, and a healthy diet will help the brain recover.

I have no idea what to title this post

2009-10-30T07:14:00.001-06:00

I can't believe it's already the end of October. I'm just doing a quick update this morning so people won't think I've forgotten my blog.

I'm busy doing rewrites for the memoir. It's a slow process, and while I'm not quite sick to death of my book, I can see it on the horizon. On the distant, distant horizon, but nevertheless...

I've also been hard at work gathering information for a support group I'm starting soon, called MOMS - Moms Off Meth Support. My plan is to hold the first meeting in mid-January. I've been talking with people at Probation and Parole, and some wonderful women in Iowa who first started the group 10 years ago. This will definately be a labor of love, but it will also be worth it. The support group is for women who are meth addicts and mothers who may or may not have had their children taken away due to their drug use or incarceration, or who may be in danger of losing their kids. It will be a place where women can come together to help each other and learn to empower themselves.

My son has a Halloween dance at his developmental therapy program today. He's going as a bug in a boy suit. (what can I say? I'm cheap) If you know me, you'll understand the costume. If you don't know me, you're probably better off not knowing.

And finally, just for fun:

This is hard. Was for me, anyway. Look at the two pictures, and see if you can find all the differences in less than a minute. When time's up, click the pictures and an audio file will tell you what the differences were and where to find them.

Happy Halloween

Rollin', rollin', rollin'...

2009-10-25T19:47:00.001-06:00

The first chapter of my book can now be found on my website, The Next 24.

Thank you to everyone who's been so supportive of me. This past week has been thrilling! The manuscript is finished, I've signed with an agent...now comes the hard part. Or the beginning of the hard parts.

I'll be working on revisions, continuing to build my platform, and spreading the word about my book.

One project I'm working on right now is starting a Moms Off Meth support group in my city. There's a group in Iowa that's been running for 10 years. I've contacted the women who started MOMS, and I'm hoping to be able to attend a facilitator training in November.

I'm excited about this project. It's something I think is not only needed, but will be well received. I'll keep you updated.

I've also got some guest bloggers coming up this next month. I've met some amazing people in recovery, and their stories are powerful and inspiring.

That's it for now. Thank you again!

Dreams can come true

2009-10-22T09:44:00.003-06:00

Last night, I signed with literary agent, Jenny Bent. My dream of becoming a published author is coming to fruition. Thank you so much, Jenny, for your belief in me and my work.

Being a writer is something I've always dreamed of in that sort of daydreaming way, along the lines of, "When I grow up, I want to be (fill in the blank)." My fill in the blank has always been just that: a daydream.

Until I finally got sober just over two and a half years ago.

I've always kept journals, even when I was using, and they were the beginning of my memoir about my meth addiction and recovery. I've saved all the writing from those years. Words scribbled in day planners, scraps of paper and notebooks, letters I'd written to people... In November of 2008, I started putting them together in book form. I completed my memoir this spring.

I've worked hard toward my goal, always hoping, but never truly believing, until these past few months, when I began to see a flicker of light on the horizon.

People become addicts for lots of different reasons. The further we get into our addiction, the more we lose ourselves, and hope that our lives can work, and be better, without drugs.
I never could have achieved the things I have if I were still using. Not in a million years. I'm so grateful for my sobriety, and although I've always been my own worst enemy at times, I'm proud of me. Proud of seeing things through, and having the courage to shoot for the moon.

Most of all, though, I'm proud of the life I've created for my son and myself. I dare say, we both deserve it.

For the families

2009-10-19T10:38:00.002-06:00

This is a re-post from June. I've been talking to some people lately, and thought it might be a good time for this.

What did I do? How could I have been so blind? How do I fix this? Why don't they just stop?

Beautiful Boy, a book by David Shef about how his life was affected by his son's addiction, is an intimate look at what it is to love an addict while being powerless to make them stop. Shef gives a voice to the people on the other side of addiction: the ones who watch helplessly while someone they love destroys himself. Beautiful Boy is at once a requiem for the hope and expectation a father has for his son, and a ballad of self-preservation in the eye of the storm of addiction. If you haven't read it, you'll want to.

Recovery is a complicated process and successful recovery involves more than simply separating the addict from the drug. (As always, when I talk about drugs, I'm talking about all drugs, including alcohol.) HELPGUIDE.ORG , a comprehensive website about drug use and recovery, as well as other life issues, has this to say:

Understanding what is involved in recovery

•You cannot force someone you love to stop abusing drugs. As much as you may want to, and as hard as it is seeing the effects of drug abuse, you cannot make someone stop using. The final choice is up to them. The right support can help you make positive choices for yourself, and balance encouraging your loved one to get help without losing yourself in the process.

•Don’t expect your loved one to be able to quit without support. Withdrawal symptoms can be unpleasant, painful, and even deadly. While medical input is always a good idea, if your loved one is addicted to benzodiazepines or is a heavy drinker, withdrawal can be dangerous and should be done under medical supervision.

•Recovery will be an ongoing process. Someone who abused drugs will not suddenly be a cured person once sober. Drug use may have been masking painful feelings that will bubble up to the surface. Many in recovery experience depressed moods for up to a year or more as their brain reestablishes from the drug abuse. Learning new coping skills to resist cravings, and how to apply them in stressful situations, is an ongoing process. Ongoing support is crucial to work through those issues.

Above all, take care of yourself.

ROFLMMFAO!

2009-10-14T19:16:00.003-06:00

Maybe I'm just easily amused, but these just killed me. They're real commercials for real products.

I was going to add clever tag lines to each one, but you're not dense.

The new marketing package

2009-10-12T12:16:00.004-06:00

Writers, if you haven't already read this, you should. It's laugh-out-loud funny, and three-tissue sad.

www.newyorker.com/humor/2009/10/19/091019sh_shouts_weiner

Weighing in

2009-10-12T06:25:00.002-06:00

All my life I have struggled with my weight. I’ve been on diets, joined gyms, bought exercise equipment and consumed disgusting liquids, all with the hope of attaining some golden number on the scale.

These days the number on my scale bounces around a lot - while I’m standing on it. This is because I’ve kicked it into the wall a few times too many and it’s not exactly in the best shape

I have a pretty good idea of what I weigh, hence the ritualistic ‘kicking of the scale’ and it’s too damn much. I no longer reward a two pound loss with a box of Twinkies, but it hardly seems to matter. I have parked myself in a fat suit and am uncomfortable living in my own skin.

I know that the only way to fix this is through exercise - and lots of it. But I’m so embarrassed being in public (let alone attempting to move quickly while other people are watching) that it’s hard to get started again. I bought a bicycle and rode it to work for about a week, but I was ashamed to be seen peddling and sweating in commuter traffic. I keep it in my house next to front door. It makes a unique coat rack. I bought some weights and keep them in the living room as a visual reminder to use them, but after tripping over them so often I’ve developed animosity toward them. They are now “out of sight, out of mind”. I have a brand new mini-trampoline that sits in the middle of the living room - again as a visual reminder. This, I actually use. I step on it every time I go to put a DVD in the player. I just love movies! I bought a complete set of workout DVD’s featuring Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser. I’ve watched them all. I also have a membership to a gym. The little plastic tab given to me for checking in and out of the gym makes a stylish key ring accessory.

I’ve been thinking, the past couple of days, that there may be a better use for all this extra furniture/exercise equipment I’ve invested in. I mean, for God’s sake! I have a coat closet right next to my front door. It has hangers in it and everything.

So one day on my way home from work I stopped at a store and bought a nifty, new scale. According to the box, it’s a “scale, body fat analyzer, water and muscle monitoring, precision electronic scale.” NICE!

You need to understand something before I continue. I’ve always been a little accident prone. Well, not exactly accident prone, but kind of ‘bizarre occurrence’ prone. Examples: 1) once I slept with my eye propped open against my pillow. I guess I was in REM sleep and my eyeball was rubbing against the pillow, because when I woke up it looked like it was bleeding and felt like I’d been punched in the eyeball. Not the eye, the eyeball. 2) when I was in college I fell asleep with my arms stretched out over my head. When I woke up, they were numb from the shoulder down - both of them. When my friend came to get me for breakfast I couldn’t open the door because they were just two dead weights. The only movement I could make with them was by twisting my body quickly from side to side. They would just kind of flop. It took awhile before I could open the door. My friend couldn’t help me - it was locked from the inside.

So I took the scale home and began the programming. I entered my sex (which is zero, but that’s another story) weight, height and age. It registered all of these and gave me an accurate weight, but when it came to the other statistics, I kept getting and “Err” message.

I re-read the directions, reprogrammed and tried again. Same thing. Then I noticed a tip that said the scale may not work correctly if your feet are dry, and to apply a little lotion to them to make better contact with the sensors. Now, let me say this: It DID cross my mind momentarily that there could be catastrophic consequences for this action - but only momentarily, and with no specifics.

It never occurred to me what would happen while standing on linoleum, applying lotion to one foot and then standing on that foot to apply lotion to the other one.

As I was falling, I remember thinking, “What did you think was going to happen, Grace?” WHAM! I fell against the toilet and now have a huge blue and green bruise on my…

But, I haven’t given up. This morning I jogged on my mini-trampoline for about 20 minutes. It’s a start - and no injuries yet! NICE!

Why I wrote my memoir

2009-09-30T16:15:00.008-06:00

People ask me why I wrote my book. What could I possibly have to add to the existing memoirs and other non-fiction books about meth addiction. There are two reasons.

1) There hasn't been, or maybe I should say, "I haven't come across," any accounts of meth abuse and recovery written by a woman.

2) There is a kind of hidden sub-set of meth addicts: middle to upper class, professional, soccer moms and dads...doctors and lawyers...cops and professors...

"Not every alcoholic is laying in the gutter, and not every meth addict has their teeth falling out and jib sores all over their face. People like me and lots of people I knew were doing meth for years and we had jobs and businesses. No one knew. Some of my friends suspected I had an eating disorder, but none of them thought I was a meth addict.

For addicts like me, your life might be a total shambles behind closed doors, but outwardly, you look fairly normal. That's the thing with meth, it's a little different for everybody."

Caitlin L. - 27 mos. clean

According to some substance abuse professionals, we are the hardest addicts to treat. The main reason is denial. We're called "functioning addicts" because we seem to lead typical lives. No one would ever suspect that beneath the facade lies the horror and shame of being a meth addict. I mean, really....who wants to be grouped in with the images people see every day in the media? That's not us. It's just not. It can't be, right? Meth is a drug used by dirty, low class people who were pretty fucked up to begin with. Right?

Not always. Meth has seeped its way into every nook and cranny of society in countries all over the globe. I've personally known teachers, doctors, lawyers, professors, cops and one highly decorated, retired marine, who was in his '70's - all in the throws of their addiction. Some of them are dead now. I don't know what happened to others. What I do know is that these people aren't isolated cases.

The following list is long, but not complete by any measure.

*Fairfax County, Virginia Teacher Charged With Possessing Methamphetamine (May 9th, 2008)

*Largest Kosher Meat Plant In U.S. Was Housing A Meth Lab (May 2008)

*Federal U.S. Postal Carrier Sentenced In Paradise, California - Had Six Year Meth Habit (May 2008)

*A Wisconsin Mother Who Was Given A Second Chance By A Judge After Her Child Died While She Was High On Methamphetamine Has Been Arrested Again For Drunk Driving With Her Children - Age 2 & 3 In The Car (May 2008)

*California Lawyer Gets 20 Years For Meth Scheme (May 29th, 2008)

*Indiana Correctional Officer Had Meth Lab In His Garage Police Allege (April 2008)

*Saint Landry Parish Deputy Crashes Cruiser And Admits To Being Under The Influence Of Crystal Meth, Cocaine, and Loritab (April 2008)

*Disney Star Pleads Guilty To Meth Charges (April 2008)

*A CNN Reporter Will Avoid Jail Time For Meth Possession If He Undergoes Drug Counseling And Therapy (April 18th, 2008).

*Cancer Researcher, Professor Of Pharmacology And Recipient Of Millions In Grants Sentenced To 35 months In Prison For Dealing Methamphetamine (October 2007).

*Cedar Ridge School District Teacher Faces Meth Charges (April 2008)

*Tuscon Ice Cream Distributor Suspected Of Selling Methamphetamine (April 2008)

*Doctor Who Pioneered AIDS Research Faces Jail Time Over Meth Use (April 2008)

*KFC Delivery Boy Arrested For Also Delivering Methamphetamine (March 2008)

*Mills High School English Teacher And Student Body Advisor Arrested For Possession Of Methamphetamine Was Filming Female Students In School Washroom Police Allege (March 2008)

*Oklahoma Lawyer Suspended Over Ethics Violations And Addiction To Methamphetamine (March 2008)

*Grandmother Sold Meth Near School (March 2008)

*Graham County High School Coach And Teacher Charged With 14 Counts Of Manufacturing Methamphetamine (March 2008)

*Cullman Teenager Arrested For Making Meth (March 2008)

*Meth Lab Found On Posey County Sheriff's Parents' Property (April 2008)

*Pickens Judge Indicted, Arrested On Another Drug Charge - Charged With Methamphetamine Possession Twice In Less Than Two Week

*Principal Of Alternative Learning School, Plus 27 Others Indicted As Members Of A Meth Ring.
*Lexington Lawyer Gets Two Years For Planning To Make Methamphetamine

*Daycare Was Doubling As A Methamphetamine Lab - Owners Charged.

*Teacher Accused Of Selling Methamphetamine From School.

*Spencer County Chief Deputy, 7 Others Indicted On Meth Manufacturing Charges.

*Wife Of County Judge Charged With Meth Possession

*59 Year Old Judge In Alabama Removed From Bench In 2006 After Arrest On Meth
Manufacturing Charge - Pleads Guilty In August 2007

*Bakersfield Teacher Accused Of Making Meth At Home & At School

*Licensed Lawyer & Three-time National Collegiate Champion Boxer Who Appeared On NBC's Reality Series "The Contender" Temporarily Suspended For Suspected Meth Use

*Thirteen & Fourteen Year Old Were Cooking Meth From Recipes Found On Internet

*Former Public Defender Sentenced To More Than Fifteen Years For Conspiracy To Distribute Meth

*Oregon Lawyer & State Repesentative Caught With Methamphetamine - Vows To Resign

*Second-grade Teacher At Johnson County Elementary School Arrested For Suspicion Of Meth Manufacturing

*Female attorney facing meth charges tests positive for the drug.

*Former UAF basketball player in court on meth charges

*County High School teacher arrested for possession of meth making chemicals

*A Highly Decorated 18-Year Veteran Of The Oakland County Sheriff's Department Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine - Found Unconscious In Truck With Belt Around His Arm And A Syringe In His Lap.

*Luna County Sheriff's Deputy Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine.

*22 Year Veteran Of Honolulu Police Force Gets Five Years Prison For Selling Methamphetamine

*81 Year-Old Man Faces Up To 12 Years In Prison After Being Convicted Of Selling Methamphetamine.

*Retired St. Paul Police Officer Pleads Guilty To Possession Of 12 Pounds Of Methamphetamine With Intent To Distribute

*Speech Language Pathologist With Fort Smith School District Accused Of Delivery Of Methamphetamine.

*District Attorney's nephew to stand trial for methamphetamine & burglary charges

*Sheriff's Deputy in Sanpete County, Utah Charged With Using And Stealing Methamphetamine From A Police Evidence Room

*50 Year Old Elementary School Art Teacher Charged With Keeping Meth In Desk

*Anti-Drug Investigator charged with stealing seven kilos of methamphetamine.

*Dallas County Sheriff Awaits Court Appearance Over Missing Guns, Money, Marijuana And Methamphetamine.

*Award-winning Anti-Drug Essayist Gets 10 Years For Distributing Meth

*Special Education Teacher In Oahu Accused Of Dealing Crystal Meth

*83 Year Old Woman Accused Of Attempting To Smuggle 10 Pounds Of Meth

*Fernley Intermediate School Teacher And Husband Charged With Selling Methamphetamine

*First Grade Elementary School Teacher Arrested For Allegedly Possessing Methamphetamine

*Animal Control Officer Arrested For Possession Of Methamphetamine

*One Of The Nation's Most Influential Evangelical Leaders Admits To Buying Methamphetamine

*Drug Counselor In New York Charged With Operating A Meth Lab

*Children's Aid Society Worker Convicted Of Trafficking A Kilo Of Methamphetamine

*Citibank VP Had A Meth Lab In His Penthouse

*Former Bank Of America Manager And Meth Addict Commits Suicide In Jail

*Doctoral Student And Fullbright Scholar At Columbia University Charged With Making Meth

*Cook County Assistant State’s Attorney Charged With Meth Possession

*Operator Of Deadly Crane Collapse Had A History Of Meth Use

*Senior Citizen Was Selling Crystal Methamphetamine From Home

*Third Grade Teacher Busted For Fraud, Possession Of Methamphetamine

*Former Beauty Pageant Winner Was Addicted To Meth

*Moss Point Police Officer Arrested For Possession With Intent To Distribute Methamphetamine

*2003 Mississippi "Businessman Of The Year" Charged With Operating Meth Lab

*Former Hutchinson Correctional Facility Employee Pleads Guilty To Trafficking Methamphetamine

*Prominent Estate Lawyer Arrested For Methamphetamine

*Louisiana Doctor Pleads Guilty To Buying Half Pound Of Methamphetamine

*Town Official (50) And Wife (48) Charged With Operating Meth Lab

*Member Of The Crystal Lake City Council Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine

*Mayor, Police Chief, Police Dispatcher & Bail Bondsman Face Charges Involving Methamphetamine, Theft & Sex Ring

*Wabash Valley Correctional Facility Officer Arrested For Financing Delivery Of Methamphetamine

*Manager Of Marysville Burger King Charged With Selling Methamphetamine From The Drive-Through Window

*First Grade teacher at Christ the King School Arrested In Maui's Biggest Drug Bust - 14 1/2 Pounds Of Cocaine, 6 Pounds Of Crystal Methamphetamine Seized

*Former Howard High School Teacher Sentenced To Six Years For Meth Distribution Conspiracy

*Former County Prosecutor On Drug Charges - Detectives Discover Methamphetamine, Guns And Drug Paraphernalia In Attorney's Home

*Former National Merit Scholar Semi-Finalist With BA In Psychology & Olympic Track Aspirations Pleads Guilty To Murdering Girlfriend During "Methamphetamine-Induced Psychosis"

*Former River Hill High School Teacher Sentenced To 6 1/2 Years For Scheme To Sell $ 50,000 Worth Of Methamphetamine

*Former Brownwood Police Officer Sentenced In Methamphetamine Distribution Conspiracy

*75 Year Old Grandmother Sold Methamphetamine From Home

*Special Education Aide At Carson City School District Arrested For Suspicion Of Felony Possession Of Methamphetamine

*Employee Of Health And Human Services Arrested On Suspicion Of Felony Trafficking In Methamphetamine

*50 Year Old Middle School Principal In Pennsylvania Accused Of Dealing Methamphetamine From His Office

*Ex-Township Supervisor In Michigan Pleads Guilty In Meth Case

*Vice President And CEO of Company That Distributed Over-The-Counter Cold Medicines To Convenience Stores Gets 20 Years Prison For Conspiracy To Distribute Ingredients Used To Make Meth

*Use Of Methamphetamine By Grandmother Played A Role In The Death Of Her Grandson In Vehicle Fire, Drug Expert Testifies

*Kids Soccer Coach In Michigan Arrested On Charges Of Manufacturing/Delivery Of Methamphetamine

*Former California State Prison Guard Pleads Guilty To Smuggling Methamphetamine Into Amador County Prison And Delivering It To Inmates

*Radio Personality From Central Georgia Sentenced To Prison On Federal Charge Involving Methamphetamine

*23-year veteran of the St. Paul Police Department goes to federal prison next month to start serving a five year sentence on a methamphetamine charge.

*Custodian At High School For More Than Eight Years Allegedly Sold Crystal Meth Out Of Her Car And On Campus

*Major Housing Developer Accused of buying $ 50,000 worth of methamphetamine in Pennsylvania

*Convenience Store Owner Charged With Meth Trafficking

*Daughter Of Chief Justice In Canada Pleads Guilty To Several Charges Relating To Identity Fraud - Family Says Addiction To Crystal Meth Is To Blame

*Seventeen Year Old Teen Overcome By Fumes While Trying To Cook Crystal Meth Was "Just Trying To Learn About Science."

*Man Described As A Model Citizen And Family Man Behind New Jersey's Largest Ever Meth Seizure

*Evansville Attorney Accused Of Having A Meth Lab Inside His Law Office

*43 year old Phenix City, Alabama elementary school teacher was arrested Friday night for allegedly manufacturing methamphetamine in her home.

*Iowa Doctor Arrested For Possession With Intent To Deliver After 11 Pounds Of Meth Found In His Home

*Lawyer Charged With Deputy's Death Had Methamphetamine In His System

*63 year Old Former Lake Ozark Alderman Busted For Methamphetamine

*47 Year Old Pottsboro Dentist Arrested for Meth Use

*Second Lawyer In Two Weeks Arrested For Selling Meth To Police Informant In Evansville

*Probation Officer Arrested For Selling Methamphetamine

*Attorney & Chairman of National Drug Council Convicted Of Meth Possession (Cayman Islands)
*Police Chief In Damascus Virginia Charged With Selling Meth To Undercover Informant

*Popular Country Singer Who Topped The Charts In The 70's Charged With Possession Of Meth
*Resident At Veterans Administation Hospital Found Making Meth In Room

*Grandmother, 83 Was A Meth Cook Authorities Allege

*Former Sheriff's Deputy Pleads Guilty To Possession Of 33 Bags Of Crystal Meth

*46 Year Old Athletic Director Of Butler High School In Missouri Arrested For Running A Meth Lab

**Special thanks to allpositiveoptions.com

Chuck Palahniuk - 13 Writing Tips

2009-09-22T05:49:00.003-06:00

*Disclaimer: Yesterday's post was a joke, although I did actually receive that e-mail. I think some people read too much into it. If I ever DO win the lottery (in any country) I'll probably keep it to myself rather than post my good fortune on the Internet.

I love Chuck Palahniuk's work. FIGHT CLUB was amazing and INVISIBLE MONSTERS was intriguing enough that I read it three times in a row. A favorite quote from his essay, 13 Writing Tips: "his face was slack and wrinkled as the empty ass of his jeans."

My lucky day

2009-09-21T10:12:00.003-06:00

I've always dreamed of something big happening...something that would change my life forever. Dear readers, today is that day.

Apparently, I've won the Asia National Lottery. Here is the e-mail I received:

You are a winner of the ASIA MILLIONS lottery online program . You have been approved to claim a sum of £2.5 million (Great Britain Pounds).

Your e-mail address was attached to ticket number: 56475600545 188 with
Serial number 5368/02 drew the lucky numbers:21-32-30-32-33-36, and a
bonus number of (17) which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd
category.You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of 2.5
Million (Great Britain Pounds) in cash credited to file KTU/9023118308/01. This is from a total cash prize of £50,000,000.00(Great Britain Pounds) shared amongst the lucky winners in this category.

What will I be doing the rest of the day? House hunting! What will I NOT be doing today? Scoring drugs, which is what I might have done a few years ago. Hell, I could have all that money spent within a month, back then.

Oh, happy day for me! Now I can move out the United Colors of Benneton and into my dream house.

What Now?

2009-09-17T17:04:00.002-06:00

This is a repost from last year. I've been hearing from people who are brand new to recovery, and are asking, "What now? What do I do besides use?" I hope this helps answer those questions.

"Do one thing every day that scares you."

This is a line from a song I remember from awhile ago and I think it's appropriate to recovery. It's important for addicts to stretch their wings. When I speak to groups about recovery, one question that is always asked is: What do you do to fill all your time now that you're not using?

Being an addict takes a lot of time. From looking for drugs, to doing drugs, to trying to figure out how to get more drugs...it's a full time job. Just the ritual of using consumes huge amounts of time. So what do you do when you find yourself sober with vast chunks of time on your hands?

Here's what I tell the women who ask me this question, since it's typically women I'm speaking to. Think back to your childhood - the time in your life before you started using. What was it that made you happiest? What did you spend most of your free time doing? Maybe it was reading, or drawing. Maybe it was riding a bike or other sports. Or what have you always wanted to do? It doesn't have to be some grand undertaking. It does have to be something that makes you happy, and it should be something that challenges you.

For me, it's writing. I've always loved to write and even in the depth of my addiction, I kept journals. When I was flailing around in early sobriety trying to find ways to fill my time, I experimented with different things, but it was always writing, and reading, that I came back to.

At first it was mostly reading. I've been reading since I was four years old and it's been a life long passion. As a meth addict, though, it's almost impossible to read a book. The concentration just isn't there. So when I finally got sober, I read voraciously - two, three, four books in a week. It was like I was trying to catch up on all the reading I had missed.

Writing was harder. My brain was still healing and the words didn't come as easily as I wanted them to. But I kept writing anyway. I think I wrote myself sober.

So when I asked myself, at the prodding of my therapist and people in my recovery groups: What would I do if I could do anything I wanted? The idea was to answer without fear or insecurity. Two things came immediately to mind and one of them was to be a professional writer. (The other was to be a stand up comedian, but that's a different story)

So I decided to do it. I had been sober for about three months when I wrote a fairy tale and sent it out to eight agents. All of them rejected the story, but four of them gave me specific feedback instead of the standard, "Not for us" note. Specific feedback is a rarity and I was thrilled! I made my own book out of the story and it sits on my coffee table in the living room. It's not the best writing I've ever done, but the book is beautiful and it represents the first book I've completed - let alone having the guts to send it "out there".

All of this scares the hell out of me - but I'm doing it. There are times (a lot of times) when I'm filled with insecurity and doubt about my writing - but I'm doing it. I may never win a contest or be a published writer - but I'm doing it. I'm doing it for me and that's what matters.

Jim Carroll - A Person Who Died

2009-09-14T06:26:00.006-06:00

Jim Caroll (August 1, 1950 - September 11, 2009)

He was an amazing poet, punk rocker and author of The Basketball Diaries. RIP.

Didn't your mamma warn you....

2009-09-11T12:00:00.004-06:00

...not to mess around with superglue? No? How about messing with pissed off women?

If it's no on both counts, here's a word of advice: don't....just don't....

Full steam ahead

2009-09-10T20:23:00.003-06:00

Still waiting to hear from two agents who have my full manuscript. This is torture. I'd rather be dipped in sugar water and left suspended upside down in a tree next to a wasp nest. Naked. Or not. Wouldn't matter, really. Not to the wasps, anyway.

So while I'm enduring the literary equivalent of Chinese water torture, I've started writing my first novel. Very different from non-fiction, this is. I've been rolling the idea around for a while, and now I'm starting to develop the characters. It's been fun, and so far, has kept me from pulling out my hair strand by strand.

I don't want to give away the premise for two reasons. 1) I don't want to know if people think it's a dumb idea, and 2) ... actually, I guess it's just the one reason.

If anyone has any connections to either E*** H*****, or J**** B***, please encourage them to contact me soon, while I still have some semblance of sanity.

Never let anyone steal your thunder

2009-09-08T10:22:00.003-06:00

I've posted this before, but I've needed a reminder lately. Maybe someone else does, too.

(If you're not comfortable with the god-thing, substitue whatever feels right for you. For me, it's the universe and everything in it.)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful

beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most

frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so

that other people won't feel insecure

around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we

unconsciously give other people permission

to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our

presence automatically liberates others.

~Marrianne Williamson

Double peanut butter cookies

2009-09-06T07:38:00.001-06:00

Here's another recipe that I love.

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/4 cup crunchy peanut butter
1/4 cup shortening
1/4 cup margarine or butter
2 eggs

1 1/2 cups half wheat, half white flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground flax
3/4 to 1 cup peanut butter chips

1.Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

2.Combine sugars, peanut butter and shortening in large bowl. Beat at medium speed of mixer until well blended. Add eggs & beat well. Combine flour, baking soda and salt. Add gradually to creamed mixture at low speed. Mix just until blended. Stir in peanut butter chips with spoon.

3.Shape into 1 1/2 inch balls. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet. Make crisscross marks on top with floured fork tines.

4.Bake for 8 to 10 minutes or until edges are set and tops are moist. Cool about 8 minutes on baking sheet before removing to flat surface.

MIA

2009-09-01T10:37:00.002-06:00

I'm still here, and still sober. I've been having a rough time the past couple of weeks. I'm also re-thinking this blog. Not the actual blog, but the content. I've been thinking that what I've been doing so far isn't working out very well. The number of visitors has been steady, but small. I need to do something to attract more of a following. Obviously, not posting isn't going to work, but I need to figure out what exactly will.

I'll be back soon.

Sage advice from a wise woman

2009-08-23T08:36:00.003-06:00

Short, but...well, short

2009-08-21T18:07:00.002-06:00

I love this picture. For some reason, it seems to capture the way I've been feeling this past week.

You'll hate yourself if you miss this

2009-08-15T08:32:00.010-06:00

I find the most wonderful things on agent's and editor's blogs. This is one of them that led me to a wonderful talent I would otherwise have missed.

This is from Ukraine's Got Talent. Ksenyia Simonova won the contest with her emotional recount of Germany conquering Ukraine in the second world war. The calm and conflict she creates while artisticly narrating the sadness of her beloved country leaves me feeling humbled. At the end, she writes, "You are always near."

Life Without Instructions

2009-08-15T08:02:00.003-06:00

Today I read a comment that someone left for me. It was from a woman who is raising four children, one who has Downs syndrome, who's husband is an active meth addict. I visited her blog and read her heartbreaking story.

There are so many families that have been ripped apart by meth. It's seeped into every nook and cranny of society, and has blindsided people from all walks of life. It's especially tragic when it affects children, as it so often does.

Please take a minute to read my previous post about a man who's doing something amazing to give back to his community. Anything you can give, regardless the amount, will go a long way toward helping the most innocent victims of meth addiction.

S F F S

2009-08-11T05:50:00.005-06:00

Scooter Folk Fighting Speed. This is the brainchild of a friend of mine. His charity was just recently got their 501(c) status and is now accepting donations.

S F F S is seeking donations to provide cash assistance to extended family members who are raising the children of their meth addicted loved ones. This from the web site:

METHAMPHETAMINE
has wound it's way across our country and is setting claws into Families everywhere regardless the demographic.
The Children of the homes METH' destroys often find themselves in the Child Protective Service System. Some are fortunate in finding shelter with (extended family) members; the Biological Parents practicing this particular addiction being in no condition to remain "Role Models", actively functioning as "Custodial Entities".

The S-F-F-S mandate is easily defined:
Should we receive a substantiated request to help with temporary financial aid for an Extended Family Unit raising a child displaced due to the METHAMPHETAMINE RELATED CRISIS of their
Biological Parents; so long as the GUARDIANS are
responsible, drug free individuals themselves;
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO HELP.
Scooter folk fighting Speed

They are in their infancy and need donations, however small, to help these families. Take a look at the "links" page. Toward the bottom of the page, you'll find details about their expenses and forecast of needs, as well as actual documents of each grant and their application for 501(c) status. I encourage you to visit the web site and give what you can. Your spare change can make a huge difference in the lives of the innocent casualties of meth abuse. Thank you, in advance, for your help.

Some words to live by

2009-08-09T13:10:00.000-06:00

"Stop picking around the edges of the world. Take advantage, and if you can't take advantage, take disadvantage. We live here. On this planet, in this nation, in this country right here. Nowhere else! We got a home in this rock, don't you see? Nobody's starving in my home; nobody crying in my home, and if I got a home, you got one too! Grab it. Grab this land. Take it, hold it, my brothers, make it, my brothers, shake it, squeeze it, turn it, twist it, beat it, kick it, kiss it, whip it, stomp it, dig it, plow it, seed it, reap it, rent it, sell it, own it, build it, multiply it and pass it on-can you hear me? Pass it on!'"

--Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison

A Day in the Life

2009-08-05T06:31:00.008-06:00

What does a writer/aspiring author do all day? No, seriously. What do I do all day besides obsess about submissions and query letters? Lucky you, you're about to find out.

5:00 am Wake up to a song on the radio alarm clock which will now be stuck in my head all day.
5:15 am Start pumping caffeine into my system. Coffee or Diet Mountain Dew, which, by the way, is the elixir of the gods.
5:20 am Check e-mail for new invites/followers from Facebook and Twitter, respectively
5:25 am Check Facebook and Twitter for updates on the world and the people in it
5:30 am Read editor and agent blogs. Comment when appropriate.
6:00 am Acknowledge son who is now lurking behind me. Say, "Good morning, bug. Did you sleep good? Did you have some good dreams?" Refuse to talk about watching movies backwards, Star Wars, Mamma Mia or whatever else he's currently obsessing about. Talk about it anyway.
6:10 am Continue to check blogs. Check e-mail for agent responses, knowing they're in New York and should be up by now, dammit.
6:20 am Tell the bug in a boy suit that he's too stinky to be unleashed upon society. Start shower for him. Refuse to talk about movies, Star Wars, movies backwards, etc. Talk about it anyway.
6:30 am Make lunch for soon-to-be unstinky boy. Man? Oy.
6:45 am Begin blog entry or stare at computer screen wondering why I have no idea what to blog about.
7:00 am Check meth discussion boards and comment when appropriate. Also, wait with the bug for his van service to pick him up. Refuse to talk about redundant subjects. Check e-mail for agent responses. Have following conversation with son: "Where's the van?" "I don't know, honey. It's coming." "Mom, where's the van?" "I don't know, honey. It'll be here." Repeat ad nauseum until the damn van finally shows up.
7:15 am Thrown on clothes, brush teeth, get dressed. Check e-mail for agent responses.
7:30 - 10:00 am Drive people to developmental therapy. Constantly check phone for calls from agents who've requested fulls.
10:15 am Check e-mail for agent responses.
10:20 - 11:00 am Finish blog entry or lament lack thereof, re-check messages boards and blogs, Twitter, Facebook, post when appropriate
11:00 am A) Walk 5 miles B) Walk 2.5 miles C) Decide I'd be a damn fool to walk in 100 degree temperature. Feel guilty about not walking or feel like a damn fool for walking in 100 degree temperature.
11:10 am If not walking, check e-mail for agent responses. Write or stare at computer screen.

12:30 Check e-mail for agent responses, nap
2:30 Drive people home from developmental therapy
4:30 Check e-mail for agent responses, check Twitter, Facebook, agent/editor blogs, meth messages boards, comment when appropriate (I'm trying to build my platform, after all) Write.
5:00 Decide that it's not good for me to obsess about agents. Refuse to talk to son about current obsessions which now include having pizza for dinner. Talk about it anyway.
5:30 *Yell at son for playing harmonica out his second floor bedroom window for passers by. Give him dinner. Refuse to talk about lack of pizza, movies backwards, Star Wars, Mamma Mia, etc. Talk about it anyway.
6:00 Check e-mail for agent responses. Write. Engage in more social networking.
6:30 *Yell at son again about giving free concerts out his bedroom window. Refuse to discuss current obsessions.
7:00 Check e-mail for agent responses, social networking, attempt to ignore feelings of self-doubt and hopelessness.
7:30 Try to explain to son why he can't have pizza every night for dinner. Refuse to discuss current obsessions. Talk about them anyway.
8:00 Put son to bed. Spend 5 - 10 minutes discussing clouds and weather and why he can't sleep with his window open. (too hot)
8:30 Check e-mail for agent responses. One last look at social networking sites and agents/editor blogs
9:00 Check e-mail for agent responses
9:02 Go to bed, promising myself that I'll clean at least one room in the house tomorrow.
9:10 Fall asleep wondering why I haven't heard from any agents yet.
* Disclaimer: I don't really yell at him, but I do use his "in trouble" name, as in, "Andrew Thomas, close that window! It's too damn hot for free concerts!"

Handling the down swing

2009-07-31T06:54:00.005-06:00

I haven't posted here for a few days because I've been busy. That's not entirely true. I'm always busy, but the real reason for my absence is that I've been descending from my pink cloud.

I've been on such an emotional and physical high this past month, and then Tuesday I woke up, and it was gone. For no reason other than my damn brain chemistry. What gets me is that after all these years, practically my whole life, of living with depression/bi-polar, I'm still shocked when the down swing happens. I'm taking all my meds, being active, making progress toward my personal and professional goals. Things are going great. Then they're not.

What I have to remind myself is that things are still great. It's just that I'm going through a depressive time after an incredibly manic phase.

There are people who think that depression/bi-polar disorder are bullshit terms or excuses, but anyone who really knows me and has lived through this with me, knows how painful it is. I no longer make apologies for the way I am. Nor do I dwell on it. I write about it for two reasons.

1. Writing is my release. It's how I unburden my soul.
2. There are other people, some addicts, some not, that go through this exact thing.

That's the main reason I wrote my memoir - to let others know they're not alone.
There's still so much stigma attached to depression, and frankly it's probably the main reason I've spent years of my life self-medicating with drugs. If it's difficult to live with mental illness, then it's probably harder to watch someone you love struggle.

I know how helpless my family feels, and it kills me that this affects them.
When I'm feeling good, I still have almost daily cravings for meth - even after two and a half years of sobriety. When I'm on the down swing, the first thing I want to do is load up and numb out.

The longer I stay sober, though, the easier it is to work through my highs and lows. When I'm going along and things are great, I tend to forget that it's the highs AND the lows that allow me homeostasis. So when I wake up on some random morning, and depression smacks me in the face saying, "Remember me?" that is what I need to remember.

The good news is that I'm better at recognizing what's going on, and that makes it easier to get through the lows. These days, the good days far outweigh the not so good, so there's that. At least I've got that.

Brits Use Vending Machines to Distribute Methadone in Prisons

2009-07-26T07:36:00.003-06:00

I found this article via a Twitter post. I'm stunned. I can see the thinking behind the idea. Not the logic, the thinking.

Brits Use Vending Machines to Distribute Methadone in Prisons by John Lee — Published: July 26, 2009

Candy bar, chips, cola...methadone; decisions, decisions…
British inmates may find their vending machines stocked up with an extra little something in the months to come as the Labour government implements a 4 million pound scheme to install methadone vending machines in roughly half of all prisons, nationwide. So far, machines are in place in 57 of a planned 140 prisons.

The machines are used to administer the opiate substitution medication to prisoners who have been assessed as opiate dependent and who would benefit from the substitution therapy. Supplying methadone to inmates reduces levels of illicit opiate use in prisons and helps opiate addicts manage their dependency.

To ensure that the medication is not diverted, the methadone vending machines will require a biometric identification, through the use of a retinal iris scan or a fingerprint, before they will dispense a day’s medication.

Although opposition politicians have ridiculed the vending machines, a Department of Health spokesperson defended their use, saying, “Methadone dispensers are a safe and secure method for providing a prescribed treatment. They can only be accessed by the person who has been clinically assessed as needing methadone and that person is recognized by a biometric marker, such as their iris.”

Opposition MP, Dominic Grieve, lambasted the plan, saying, “We need to get prisoners off all drug addiction -- not substitute one dependency for another. The government's approach of trying to 'manage' addiction is an admission of failure…The public will be shocked that Ministers are spending more on methadone vending machines than the entire budget for abstinence based treatments."

Although methadone is proven the most effective treatment for the management of opiate addiction, its use has always prompted controversy. Abstinence treatments for heroin addiction have shown very little long term efficacy, but tend to be an easier political sell.
Roughly 6400 Britons reside behind bars on drugs charges.

Thick, Chewy (and healthy) Oatmeal Cookies

2009-07-21T18:35:00.007-06:00

The person I originally started posting these recipes for hasn't even read these posts. As predictable as he is, though, he'll come undone again any minute now, and I'll direct him back here.

I have received some great feedback from other people. Some addicts, some not. Maybe it has to do with the economic climate right now, but eating cheap while eating well seems to be going over well. So I'll continue.

These cookies are healthy, filling and yummy! You can use them as breakfast cookies, if you want. I think. Hell, to me, all cookies are breakfast cookies...and lunch cookies...and snack cookies...

Thick, Chewy Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

1 cup butter, softened (use margarine to cut cost. I like Imperial, but whatever. $.75 max)
1 1/3 cups packed brown sugar (buy bulk $.50)
2 eggs ($1.30/12 = .11 per egg = $.22 cents)
1 tsp. vanilla (if you don't already have some, borrow it or do without. It's better with, though)
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour ($.25 - buy bulk)
1 tsp. baking soda (nominal & you should already have)
1 tsp. cinnamon (see note for vanilla)
3 cups rolled oats ($.75 - bulk)

1 1/2 cup raisins ($1.50 - bulk. If the raisins are a little dry, boil them in water, drain, use.)
1 cup chopped walnuts ($2.00 max - bulk) Raisins and nuts are the biggest expenses and both can be left out, but both add to the nutrition of this cookie.

1 Tbsp. ground flax seed (optional)

Cream together wet ingredients with electric mixer. (If you're really poor, put the bowl in the middle of a smallish table, insert a large mixing spoon into the ingredients, and run around the table as fast as you can 100 times while hanging onto the spoon.)

Add dry ingredients and mix well.

THIS PART IS IMPORTANT: chill the dough in the refrigerator at least 2-3 hours. You want the dough to be pretty hard. This is what will make the cookies really chewy.

Use a spoon to scoop out dough, roll it into a ball with your hands and gently press down as you put them on the cookie sheet.

Bake at 350 for about 12 minutes. Makes appx. 2 dozen, depending on how big your balls are. (I slay me...)

So here's the breakdown: $5.22 or about $.21 per cookie.

This recipe is obviously vegetarian. To veganize, use Nucoa margarine and Ener G, powdered egg substitute. It's about $5 for a box, but it will last forever.

You can also use any other dried fruit you like. The last batch I made has raisins and dried cranberries. Yum!

Mmmmm...soup!

2009-07-20T17:39:00.008-06:00

This is for everyone, addict or normie, but it's especially for Bobby*. Hang in there, man! Also for Karen**, because I know you read this regularly and love my cooking. ;)
*not his real name
**her real name

So...how did the bread go over? Did anyone make it? (Is there anybody out there?)

Well, the best thing to go with warm, homemade bread, is hot, homemade soup - yes, even in the summer. Keeping in line with yesterday's post, it's also cheap to make, filling and 'souper' nutritious. (I know, I know... you don't have to say it.)

Get out your chef hats and aprons, 'cuz here we go!

Healthy Vegetable Soup

You'll need a big-ass pot. The kind your mother made spaghetti or soup in when you were a kid.

(What? You don't have a big-ass pot? Shut the hell up and read yesterday's post.)

This soup is simple and it's also vegan/vegetarian.

1 small bag frozen corn ($1.25 for cheap stuff - corn is corn)
1 small bag frozen mixed veggies ($1.25 tops - see note above)
1 small bag frozen green beans ($1.25 - see note above, above)
1 cup pearl barley ($.50 - buy it in bulk)
1 jar salsa ($3.00 - this will be the most expensive ingredient, but it's worth it)
1 cup chopped celery ($.50 max)
1 cup chopped carrots, frozen or fresh ($1.25 max)
1 large potato cut into small cubes - skin and all ($.50 max)
salt & pepper to taste

Throw all this into your big-ass pot, fill almost to the top with water, simmer until the barley is done and the potato is fork-tender. That's it! If you're single, you can eat this a couple of times a day and it will last over a week.

Grand total: $18.28 for a good week's worth of nutrition. If it lasts 7 days, and it definitely will, you're looking at $2.61/day. Less than a McDonald's combo meal.

I usually throw in some ground flax seed, too. I use flax in almost everything because it's my source of Omega 3 and a great source of fiber for the little amount you'll use. Being a vegetarian, I don't eat fish, so this is how I cover the Omega base. Flax is optional. Just as cayenne pepper, Tabasco, fresh veggies or anything else you want to throw into the pot. I don't recommend pasta, because by the second or third day, those noodles will turn to an unappetizing mush.

Bon Appetit!

A Little Help for my Friends

2009-07-19T10:23:00.015-06:00

This is for everyone, addict or normie, but it's especially for Bobby*. Hang in there, man! Also for Karen**, because I know you read this regularly and love my cooking. ;)

*not his real name
**her real name

A couple of threads on the KCI board recently have me thinking about something that may seem off the topic of recovery, but really isn't. Addicts who've used for most of their lives usually end up starting over, and sometimes, over and over again. Speaking for myself, starting my life from scratch in the middle of my life, (yikes!) really bites. Realizing how much time I've lost is almost enough to make me want to go back out again.

A huge part of re-building revolves around money. Some had nothing for years except for the chase. Some of us had money and possessions that were lost or thrown away. Whatever the reason, we are, for the most part, starting from scratch. People don't spend their whole lives as addicts and then smoothly transition to the normal world as if nothing ever happened. The point is, being poor sucks. Especially in this economy.

There are people I talk to in forums who are barely managing to feed themselves and their families. Which brings me (finally) to the point of this post.

When I lost my job about a month ago, the first thing I thought, right after I realized that blowing up a building would totally be against my probation, was: how am I going to feed Andy? Not only that, but with limited funds, how would I feed him nutritiously?

I'm baking today. I've been making the following recipes every other week since the day that I********e made the egregious error of letting their best employee go. (I'm not bitter. Just pissed off.) So I thought I'd share these low cost, nutritional recipes. Enjoy!

Simple Whole Wheat Bread

6 cups warm water ($0.00)
4 packages of yeast ($1.50 max)**
1 1/3 cups honey or molasses (molasses are cheaper $2.50 for a bottle)
16 cups whole wheat flour ($.41/lb. bulk - $2.05 for 5 lbs.)**
6 Tbsp melted butter (buy margarine - 1 stick= $.50 max)
2 Tbsp salt ($1.00 for a whole box, so actually nothing)**
appx. 3 cups regular flour ($1.00)**
(I always throw a bunch of flax seed, ground of course, but that's optional.)

Use molassas and Nucoa margarine to veganize, if that's your thing.

**Buy in bulk! Save $$$$$!

Mix water, yeast & half the sweetener, (2/3 c.) with 6 cups w.w. flour together in a big-ass mixing bowl. Let it sit for half an hour or so until it gets bubbly. It will get huge, which is why you need a big-ass bowl.

What? You don't have a big-ass mixing bowl? Haul your butt to the thrift store and pick one up for a buck.

Mix butter, 10 cups w.w. flour and the other half (2/3 c.) of the sweetener with the goo in the big-ass bowl. Knead the hell out of it. If you use regular white flour for the kneading, it will be cheaper. You'll 'knead' a lot of it. (sorry, couldn't resist)

Let it rise until it doubles in volume. Punch it down, knead it again & divide into 4 equal pieces. Slap those puppies into 4 bread pans either greased or sprayed with non-stick...uh...spray. When done, remove from pans immediately and lightly grease (butter, margarine, shortening) on top and all four sides. Otherwise, it'll dry out. Blah.

What? You don't have bread pans? If you can score dope on the streets of San Fransisco at 2 am, you can figure out how to get some bread pans for next to nothing. Spray the pans really well if you've just bought those cheap ones at the Salvation Army.

Let rise until it looks like raw bread. Bake at 350 for 25 - 30 mins. If you're unsure if it's done, flick the top with your finger. It should sound hollow.

TA-DA! Four loaves of VERY nutritious bread (whole wheat, no preservatives & very little fat) for the grand total of $1.88 per loaf. About $7.55 for the whole shebang. The best part about this bread is that it's so dense, it's not only filling, but it's easy to cut into thin slices - something that hard to do with more airy bread.

Tomorrow on The Next 24, Thick, Chewy Oatmeal Cookies & Vegetable Soup. (mmmmm...soup!)

Just For Fun

2009-07-18T19:22:00.003-06:00

You know how there's that urban legand rumor about starting the album Dark Side of the Moon on the third hearbeat at the same time as the Wizard of Oz? (If not, google it. Or not.)

This is even better!

What does this have to do with recovery? Lighten up, for God's sake. If you can bounce, that's a good thing, right?

Inspiration in Lyrics

2009-07-16T10:16:00.004-06:00

This is another song that, although most of the lyrics aren't relevant, helps me in recovery. It's a love song - I think. Or you could listen to it as a break up song from your addiction. But it's the chorus and the last part of the song that have a way of invigorating me. Sometimes I'll just skip to the last part. I love the energy that's built all the way through and is so powerful at the end. Dorky? Guilty.

I'm Not an Addict

2009-07-15T11:54:00.003-06:00

Over at the KCI discussion board today, some of us were sharing music that's helped either get us sober, or inspired us to stay sober. Today I thought I'd share my favorite song that fits both categories for me.

Feelin' stronger every day

2009-07-14T12:50:00.006-06:00

I'm having a fabulous day! Nothing specific. Maybe all my planets are aligned or something. Whatever it is, I don't care. I feel great!

I have 500 more words to write, and I'll get it done, did my five miles, the day is all about bright blue sky and warm summer air.

This is when I have to be most careful, though, because it's when I'm feeling my best that it's easiest to sabotage myself. In the past, it's been easy for me to forget my meds when I'm feeling this good. Some counter-productive part of my brain tells me I don't need them. I'm cured! No more depression I've struggled with all my life, no anxiety, nothing. All better! Woo hoo! And all it took was one perfect day. If only I'd known years ago.

The thing I have to remind myself is that these days haven't come easily. They're the result of self discipline. The kind of discipline it takes for me to know what I need to do to take care of myself. For me, it means staying actively sober (some call it working a program) and attending to my health - mental and otherwise.

So good for me! After all these years, it's about time I take care of myself. And I deserve it. That's what I keep reminding myself, anyway. And I do need to remind myself. It's been a long, hard journey, and the thing I still struggle with most is believing I deserve a good life - that it's okay for me to take up space on this spinning rock, and it's okay for me to be happy. In fact, it's vital. For my recovery, my sanity and my life, it's vital.

Setting Goals

2009-07-13T11:55:00.010-06:00

What a lame title for a post! I couldn't come up with anything better, though.

I just got back from my walk, during which, I decided to write about my new goals. During my walks, I'm always thinking of writing: either whatever I'm currently working on or what my next post will be. Sometimes, it's what I'll say in an e-mail to someone. Whatever comes to mind. I usually think of something just perfect and then lose it by the time I get home. (I need to get a little voice recorder to take with me.) Anyway, this is the most recent topic I thought of today.

In early recovery, my goals were minute to minute and grew to day to day. I lived with my parents that first year and I remember Dad and I counting the number of days I'd been sober. Ten days, for me, seemed like an eternity. Then fifteen, twenty, thirty... I didn't count in months until I had ninety days of sobriety. The goals were small, but maybe the biggest I've ever set for myself.

As I got more sober time, my goals became more global in the sense that they were bigger than the next day. I set goals for getting a job, getting an apartment for my son and myself, etc. People in recovery, especially AA, are big about the whole "one day at a time" thing, and it's true. There comes a time, though, when thinking long term becomes necessary.

At first, I felt so pessimistic about everything. Certain I would fail, it was hard to push myself beyond my comfort zone. Every time I succeeded, it became a little easier to push myself even further. But sometimes, it's the little things that are huge.

New goals: every morning I get up at 5 am and write 1000 words toward whatever project I'm working on. Then I drive people to developmental therapy, come home and walk 5 miles. Everything after that is gravy. That's it. Simple things, but huge to me, and when I follow through, I'm elated.

Next goal: shaving my legs more than twice a year.

Now I lay me down to sleep

2009-07-06T13:33:00.003-06:00

There are a lot of things I hate about being an addict. I hate BEING an addict, I hate the cravings, I hate that I have regrets...

But for me, the worst of the worst are the using dreams. I've been having them all night long, every night for over a week now, which is unusual for me. I've had them from time to time since getting sober, but they've faded with time.

This past week, though, they've been bad. In them, I've been using and want to stop but feel like I can't ask for help because people are so proud of me for getting and staying sober. The dreams are filled with glass pipes, bags of meth and me sneaking around. I'm hiding things and always on the verge of getting caught and I feel so awful, it's hard to describe. As I write this, I'm crying. I'm sad for two reasons. One, because I'm so afraid of blowing everything I've worked so hard for and never getting another chance. I'm afraid I'd lose everything and everyone I love. The second reason I'm so sad right now is because I have these dreams at all. When will all this stop? When will I stop being haunted by fear and shame?

Maybe never. So what do I do? How do I deal with these God-awful nights?

I do my best. I don't put myself in ANY situation that may provide the opportunity to fail. I know people in recovery who spend all their time with their "using" friends (who are also in recovery) and do nothing but talk about the old days. I know people who've been sober for years who send money to their friends who are serving time, who write faithfully to those people and anticipate their release. I know meth addicts who think it's okay to go to bars, who let down their guard. When nothing happens to them, it makes it that much easier for them to put themselves in harms way again. Then, it's just a matter of time.

I'm no one to judge anyone else, and I don't, but this is what I mean when I talk about respecting my addiction. I hate it. And I respect it, because if I don't, if I get complacent and decide that I've conquered it, that's when I'm in trouble.

This is why I write about my meth addiction and all this everyday, seemingly trivial bullshit. It helps me stay sober. I'm not crying anymore because I've gotten it all out, and that's a good thing. It's the things we keep inside ourselves that have the power to kill us.

Just for fun

2009-07-04T07:32:00.009-06:00

In my last post, I said I'd talk about why meth is so addictive, and I will. But not today. Today is the 4th of July and I just wanted to share something fun.

This is a direct rip-off from a post on Kristin Nelson's blog, but I figure she won't mind if I link to her site.

More than 200 dancers performed their version of "Do Re Mi", in the Central Railway Station of Antwerp. With just 2 rehearsals, it is a promotion stunt for a Belgian television program where they are looking for someone to play the leading role in the musical of "The Sound of Music".

My dad sent me the link to this a few weeks ago. It sent chills up my spine. Have a great day!!

Drugs vs. medicine

2009-07-02T10:32:00.006-06:00

Addicts often have underlying mental illness issues. I.E. depression, anxiety, OCD and even schizophrenia... Some were diagnosed prior to their drug use. Some only found out when they finally got sober. The question of which came first (the drug abuse or the mental illness) is almost irrelevant when talking about meth. Of all illegal substances, meth is particularly damaging to the brain. (more on that tomorrow)

I was diagnosed with major depression at age 12, and have been on and off a smorgasbord of medicine since then. When I was first diagnosed, depression was treated with tricyclic antidepressants, so named for their three atom molecular structure. These carried more side affects than SSRI's, which are more commonly prescribed today. Tricyclics are still used for a variety of medical conditions including irritable bowl syndrome, specific types of chronic pain, insomnia and fibromyalgia.

SSRI's, selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, are widely used today in part, because they have fewer side effects. (as I said, I'll talk more about brain chemistry tomorrow...and NO IT WON'T BE BORING:)

When I was using, I took my meds haphazardly, at best. I had reasons for this that made sense to me at the time, like meth works on serotonin and so do my meds, so it would be wise for me to not mix the two. HUH?? Like I said, it made sense at the time.

Now that I'm sober and living on a small cocktail of anti-depressants, mood stabilizers and anti- anxiety meds, I've finally reached homeostasis. But here's what I find bizarre, at least for myself: It took me a long time before I began taking my medicine every day. Now, understand that if I go two days without my drugs, I'm a complete mess. I plunge into deep depression which then leads me to not care about them because, why bother? This will never go away... I'll always be this way (depressed) so it doesn't matter...blah, blah, blah ad nauseum.

When I'm in my right mind, though, this is what I think: I NEVER forgot to smoke meth! Not once. No sirree, Jim Bob, I was faithful to my love, even though it almost killed me. So why can't I be faithful to medicine that makes me feel and live better? Even now, after almost two and a half years of sobriety, I have to constantly remind myself to take them. I've tried everything: putting them in the bathroom by my toothbrush, putting them on my nightstand, putting them in those little "days of the week" pill boxes...

Now, I have them on the top of my microwave and so far, that's working out. I still have to consciously remind myself to take them. Just yesterday, I realized at 5 pm that I still hadn't taken them. It's just weird. I'll see them multiple times a day and think oh, I need to take those now, and then I'll get distracted by something as simple as brushing my teeth or finding lint on the floor. (ooooh, shiney!) Oy.

I've always hated the stigma that goes along with taking medicine for my mental illness. (which reminds me of a personal ad I've thought about running somewhere: overweight, mentally ill drug addicted single mother seeks male....) It seem like everyone these days is on Prozac, Paxil or Wellbutrin. People even put their dogs on anti-depressants. So maybe that's why it's such a struggle for me. Do any of you have the same problem?

Facts about meth

2009-07-01T05:56:00.003-06:00

This is from the http://www.kci.org/ web site. It's just some general information that I think is worth posting here. I've added some facts of my own to update the information.

FAST FACTS ABOUT METH

Fact: Women are more likely to use meth than cocaine.

Fact: Meth is metabolized by the kidneys, and can lead to severe kidney damage. Other drugs, including alcohol are metabolized by the liver.

Fact: The average meth "cook" annually teaches ten others how to make meth.

Fact: Every pound of meth produced leaves behind five to six pounds of toxic waste.

Fact: DEA has identified 20 Mexican meth trafficking organizations in the Midwest.

Fact: Methamphetamine accounts for up to 90 percent of all drug cases in Northwest/Midwest communities.

Fact: Methamphetamine kills by causing heart failure, brain damage and stroke.

Fact: Methamphetamine can produce hallucinations.

Fact: Meth users are the hardest to treat of all drug users.

Fact: Meth lab site cleanups can cost up to $150,000.

Fact: Meth use increases risk of child abuse and neglect and domestic violence.

A Step in the Right Direction

2009-06-30T11:27:00.006-06:00

Today I received my first request for the full manuscript of DISAMBIGUATION, the memoir I've written. I'm in seventh heaven sitting on cloud nine!

In no way does this mean it's a done deal. What it does mean, though, is that an agent was interested enough in the first ten pages of my book to ask to see the whole thing.

Until writing this post, I didn't even think about using, but I am now. I'm thinking: I'm so glad I'm not using!

Our deepest fear

2009-06-28T07:18:00.003-06:00

I've been reading some discussions in some meth recovery forums, and there are a lot of people who seem very lost and alone.

I've posted this before, but for anyone who hasn't read it, here it is again. Have a GREAT day!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Out deepest fear is that we are powerful

beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most

frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small

does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so

that other people won't feel insecure

around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own Light shine, we

unconsciously give other people permission

to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our

presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

For God's Sake...Enough Already!

2009-06-27T18:31:00.008-06:00

I'm having problems with my blog. I can't decide what I want it to look like. Actually, I know what I want it to look like, I'm just having trouble figuring out how to make that happen. My dad designs web sites (and does a stellar job, I might add) so he gives me advice about how to make the blog readable and aesthetically pleasing at the same time.

So I'm thinking about just creating an actual web site and sort of morphing this into that. I bought the domain name last night, so it'll be thenext24.net (.org was taken...grrr!)

I've been thinking this morning about how exactly to design it, what I'd like to put on it etc. My main reasons for having this blog (and web-site-to-be) are to talk about addiction and recovery, and to build a platform for my book, DISAMBIGUATION. I have a few things in mind, but would be open to suggestions.

All the usual negative/addict thinking is taking up space in my head:

1) what makes you think anyone cares what you have to say?
2) what the hell do you need a web site for? you're not even published yet!
3) don't you have something better to do with your time?
4) when are you going to quit trying to live out this fantasy you have of being a published author?

I've been thinking about all that, and here's what I've come up with:

1) I've had feedback from people saying they like what I'm doing and that it's helped them
2) A web site would provide different opportunities to "get myself out there"/develop a platform 3) No, not really
4) I don't know. Never?

I keep thinking about the book/movie, The Secret. Cheesy? Maybe, but I feel like if I live my life pursuing my passion (which is writing and "giving back", as they say in recovery) I'll have joy. And if I live my life as if my dreams have already come true, then eventually they will. The whole universe will just get sick of my determination and refusal to quit just because I feel small and inadequate.

On my best days, I have no doubts at all about my dreams and goals. On my worst days, I feel like a poser. Today is a pretty good day.

Oh how easy it is to slip

2009-06-25T11:40:00.009-06:00

Anyone who follows my blog probably knows that I've been sober for 2 years, 4 months and 12 days. (Not that I'm keeping track)

Anyway, a lot of people I talk to and chat with ask about triggers: the everyday things that trigger the urge to use. I remember when I had been sober for almost a year and started looking for an apartment. The first thing I would think when I would go look at a place was, "Oh, that would be a great place to use. That would be a great place to stash...etc." That's how I knew I wasn't quite ready to be on my own yet.

Triggers can happen when you least expect them. I was helping my parents decorate the Christmas tree for my first sober Christmas, and Mom showed me this decoration she tried to make the year before. It was a clear glass globe that she'd put glue and iridescent glitter in and swirled around. It didn't quite work. It all ended up in sort of a glob at the bottom of the globe. To me, though, it looked just like really good crystal melted down and ready to smoke. I told her what was going through my mind and she threw it away immediately. (bless her)

So today I went grocery shopping. I just needed a few things, but I also wanted to make apple tarts for my son and myself. Apple tarts are really good served warm with whipped cream on them, so I picked up a can of that spray kind. When I got home and was putting things away, I had a sudden urge to suck all the propellant out of the can. (true addicts will know what I'm talking about) I even had it up to my lips for a second thinking I'd just have a little 'rush'.

I didn't do it.

Why? Because I know and respect my addiction. I know that if I were to start down that road again, sooner or later I would be knee deep in empty Reddi Whip cans and jonesing for meth. Maybe not today, but sooner or later.

Why am I writing about this? The main reason is that it helps me to be able to communicate my feelings when something like this happens. The other reason is that maybe someone in a similar situation will read this and know they're not alone with the weird little thoughts that pop into an addicts head from out of the blue.

Next time I'll just buy Cool Whip.

Families of addicts: Take care of yourselves

2009-06-22T12:01:00.010-06:00

What did I do? How could I have been so blind? How do I fix this? Why don't they just stop?

Beautiful Boy, a book by David Shef about how his life was affected by his son's addiction, is an intimate look at what it is to love an addict while being powerless to make them stop. Shef gives a voice to the people on the other side of addiction: the ones who watch helplessly while someone they love destroys himself. Beautiful Boy is at once a requiem for the hope and expectation a father has for his son, and a ballad of self-preservation in the eye of the storm of addiction. If you haven't read it, you'll want to buy it.

Recovery is a complicated process and successful recovery involves more than simply separating the addict from the drug. (As always, when I talk about drugs, I'm talking about all drugs, including alcohol.) HELPGUIDE.ORG , a comprehensive website about drug use and recovery, as well as other life issues, has this to say:

Understanding what is involved in recovery

You cannot force someone you love to stop abusing drugs. As much as you may want to, and as hard as it is seeing the effects of drug abuse, you cannot make someone stop using. The final choice is up to them. The right support can help you make positive choices for yourself, and balance encouraging your loved one to get help without losing yourself in the process.
Don’t expect your loved one to be able to quit without support. Withdrawal symptoms can be unpleasant, painful, and even deadly. While medical input is always a good idea, if your loved one is addicted to benzodiazepines or is a heavy drinker, withdrawal can be dangerous and should be done under medical supervision.
Recovery will be an ongoing process. Someone who abused drugs will not suddenly be a cured person once sober. Drug use may have been masking painful feelings that will bubble up to the surface. Many in recovery experience depressed moods for up to a year or more as their brain reestablishes from the drug abuse. Learning new coping skills to resist cravings, and how to apply them in stressful situations, is an ongoing process. Ongoing support is crucial to work through those issues.

Above all, take care of yourself.

Pursuing my dream

2009-06-21T17:49:00.009-06:00

I've entered another writing contest. This time, it's a short story that I rewrote a bit before entering it here: http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/library/index.html/read/32510

If you would take a few minutes to register (registration is free) and give me feedback, I would appreciate it.

I'm also brainstorming to come up with an idea for another short story for a different contest. I figure all these things will keep me busy while I'm waiting for some brilliant agent to swoop me up out of the slush pile and escort me to my official career as an AUTHOR.

As an addict (and I know I've talked about this before) time can be a real enemy. One of the most difficult things about getting sober is trying to figure out what to do with all the time you suddenly have. Using is a full time job. The days and nights are filled with finding drugs, doing drugs and wondering when and where to get more drugs. Desperately running like a hamster in a cage trying to maintain your high or, more accurately, trying to not come down from the high.

When I speak to women's groups at the Walker Center, I always address the time issue and there are always lots of questions. What do you do when you finally get sober? If you don't find a meaningful way to fill your time, you're doomed to relapse.

All I know is what worked for me, and this is what I tell them:
Think back to when you were young...a little kid. What was your passion? What were your dreams? What did you love to do whether you were good at it or not? Paint, draw, dance, sing, play music, play make-believe (with adults this is called theater or drama...or mental illness, which is a whole different gig...) hike, yoga, lift weights, climb hills or mountains or, as cheesy as it sounds, volunteer. Whatever it is, when you find it, it will be monumental in maintaining your sobriety.

For me, it's writing. So for good or ill, I'm going for it. I'm putting myself "out there" and I've had some success. I hope to have more. For that to happen, though, I have to keep at it...and I am. And most days I'm happy. Some days I'm content and other days are plain shitty, but it's all good. The more sober time I have, the easier it is to find the strength (guts) to risk embarrassment or rejection. Everything else aside, this blog feels like a huge risk for me. Who am I to write a blog? Why do I think anyone would be interested in anything I have to say? Who the hell cares about my sobriety or my writing goals? Maybe no one. So I do it for me. I do it because I love to write. So even if no one other than my parents (hi, guys!) read this, I feel good about what I'm doing.

And with all this damn writing going on, who the hell has time to light up/spike up/drink up/rail up?

Querying Literary Agents

2009-06-21T12:23:00.008-06:00

**Disclaimer: To any agents I've submitted to that may be reading this post - this does NOT refer to the query I sent you. (Big cheesy grin)

I've spent the morning writing query letters to agents for my book, DISAMBIGUATION. I've been at it since 6:00 am. It's now 12:24 pm. I've submitted to five agents this morning.

The process is a lengthy one, and obviously time consuming. When querying agents you have to have a great query letter, which is basically the pitch for your book. It needs to be concise and attention grabbing. In other words, ya' gotta WOW 'em!!

In addition to that, you have to research the agents you're going to submit to. Not only to ensure that you're querying an agent that represents the type of book you've written, but to make the letter personal. Agents want to know that you know something about them other than name, rank and serial number. They want to know why you're submitting to them. It makes sense, of course, but after several hours this morning and several more last night, I'm starting to feel like it's more of a process of finding a way to kiss ass.

Oy. So far, I've queried a total of seventeen agents. I think I'll write to three more later tonight to make it an even twenty. Funny, it doesn't sound like a lot but it feels like a kajillion. (Yes, that's a word. Didn't you just read it? Okay, then.)

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T06:18:00.005-06:00

Here are the top ten things I like most about my dad:

He loves to laugh

He has a heart the size of a third world country

He's stellar at what he does (http://www.andyybarr.com/)

He doesn't care that he's undiagnosed as OCD

He's supportive of me even when I'm not supportive of myself

He made it possible for me to go to rehab

He didn't disown me when I relapsed

He's been married to my mother for 40 years and still thinks she's a sex-pot!

He's thinks I'm wonderful

He looks like Fred Flimtstone

Happy Father's Day, Daddy! I love you.

Today IS a good day

2009-06-19T21:04:00.008-06:00

I set a new record for myself: least amount of time between jobs. Last time I had to find work, it took me ten days. This time, I was offered a position in 32 hours. (I accepted, of course.)

I feel blessed, but the emotional roller coaster, I could do without. Lots of highs and lows in the past 48 hours. From despair and disbelief, to shame and self-doubt, to worry and panic, to tentative acceptance...and now this opportunity comes from, seemingly, out of the blue.

I don't believe that things just randomly happen, but I despise the Pollyanna phrase, "everything happens for a reason." Probably because it's so cliche and I HATE cliche. But as new-agey as it sounds, I do believe that we move through this universe with a purpose. The trick...the key, is to figure out what that purpose is and to continue to move toward it while safely navigating the obstacles.

Sounds easier than it is, I know. Since I've been sober, though, it's been a hell of an adventure and a nice surprise to discover just how strong I am when I hold the belief that I will make it. I will accomplish my goal, which is to become not just a writer, but an author. Everything along the way is just navigation, and I'm much better at steering these days.

Today is a good day

2009-06-19T11:28:00.006-06:00

I heard somewhere that the three biggest life stressors are divorce, a death in the family and losing your job. I have to agree because yesterday I lost my job.

Well, I didn't lose it. I know where it is. I'm just not there anymore. This is devastating, especially in this economy. The thing is, I loved my job. I thought I had found a home and I worked with some really great people who I will miss. I was good at my job, too. Very good. Then again, I've always done well at anything I've tried. So what happened? The honest truth is: I don't know. I know what I was told. I know I disputed their claims, and I know they refused to show me verification of the reasons for my termination. Instead, they showed me the door. (I'd already seen the damn door. I knew where it was, and yet they insisted on showing it to me one last time.)

So why is today a good day? Damned if I know, but I'm by God going to find a reason.
Let's see...
I finished my book and have been submitting to agents. Five rejections so far (one was a personalized "no thank you") and five that I haven't heard back from...which probably means rejection. BUT...I finished the book and I'm trying, right?

Bills are paid and I've got a little money, so we'll be okay for a little while anyway.

I'm baking bread and making soup today so my son and I have food for awhile.

I'm sober. I'm SOBER!!

Today is a good day!

Milestones

2009-02-03T14:01:00.005-07:00

It's been a while, so I thought I'd check in. February 13th - a big day in many ways for my son and I - is only ten days away. Andy will turn eighteen, I will have been sober for two years and it looks the first draft of my book will be finished on that day. That was my goal - to have it finished by my sobriety date and I'm so close.

So all my spare time, for the past couple of months, has gone toward writing. It'll be an intense ten days until the 13th, but I'm determined to accomplish what I set out to do.

In addition to my son turning eighteen soon, I've also made the decision for him to graduate this year instead of next, as was planned. I'm so proud of him. This is a good time for Andy and me. I plan to update here shortly after the 13th, so wish me luck and I'll see you soon.

Today is a Good Day

2008-11-03T05:41:00.004-07:00

My last post started out with, "Do one thing everyday that scares you." That's a pretty big goal although most days, just getting out of the house qualifies for me. I still have so many doubts: doubts about myself, my sobriety, my life...

I've been conscious, though, of doing what I want to do. Even if that scares the hell out of me. Writing is what I've always wanted to do, so in the past couple of years I've set some goals and taken some risks. And it scares me.

I wrote a fairy tale and submitted it to eight agents who all rejected it. I entered a writing contest that I wanted very much to win. The prize was $3000 and a trip to New York to meet with four editors/agents. I didn't win but I wasn't as crushed as I thought I would be. I wrote an article for a magazine which was rejected as well. This is a lot of disappointment for someone like me, but I kept moving forward and taking the risk of putting myself and my work out there. I entered another contest.

On Saturday, my work so far finally paid off. I won $5000 for an essay I wrote - the same essay, incidentally, that I submitted to the magazine. I'm now in the running to win $250,000 in January. I'm in heaven. I'm in shock. Whoever said that external validation shouldn't be important can kiss my patootie. Sure, I can sit around and write just for the pleasure of writing. Sure I can read what I've written and say, "My goodness, Kimbo, that's just wonderful!" And I do these things. I wouldn't be honest, though, if I didn't say that - at least in this case - external validation is much better than privately sitting around and stroking my own...ego.

Everything happens for a reason. I know it's cliche, but I can't help thinking that I wouldn't have achieved this without all the events leading up to this milestone. I never would have done any of this when I was using. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Here's the link if you want to read the essay. It's called "Surrender".
http://www.fieldreport.com/today

Personal Growth

2008-10-20T05:39:00.010-06:00

"Do one thing every day that scares you."

This is a line from a song I remember from awhile ago and I think it's appropriate to recovery. It's important for addicts to stretch their wings. When I speak to groups about recovery, one question that is always asked is: What do you do to fill all your time now that you're not using?

Being an addict takes a lot of time. From looking for drugs, to doing drugs, to trying to figure out how to get more drugs...it's a full time job. Just the ritual of using consumes huge amounts of time. So what do you do when you find yourself sober with vast chunks of time on your hands?

Here's what I tell the women who ask me this question, since it's typically women I'm speaking to. Think back to your childhood - the time in your life before you started using. What was it that made you happiest? What did you spend most of your free time doing? Maybe it was reading, or drawing. Maybe it was riding a bike or other sports. Or what have you always wanted to do? It doesn't have to be some grand undertaking. It does have to be something that makes you happy, and it should be something that challenges you.

For me, it's writing. I've always loved to write and even in the depth of my addiction, I kept journals. When I was flailing around in early sobriety trying to find ways to fill my time, I experimented with different things, but it was always writing, and reading, that I came back to.

At first it was mostly reading. I've been reading since I was four years old and it's been a life long passion. As a meth addict, though, it's almost impossible to read a book. The concentration just isn't there. So when I finally got sober, I read voraciously - two, three, four books in a week. It was like I was trying to catch up on all the reading I had missed.

Writing was harder. My brain was still healing and the words didn't come as easily as I wanted them to. But I kept writing anyway. I think I wrote myself sober.

So when I asked myself, at the prodding of my therapist and people in my recovery groups: What would I do if I could do anything I wanted? The idea was to answer without fear or insecurity. Two things came immediately to mind and one of them was to be a professional writer. (The other was to be a stand up comedian, but that's a different story)

So I decided to do it. I had been sober for about three months when I wrote a fairy tale and sent it out to eight agents. All of them rejected the story, but four of them gave me specific feedback instead of the standard, "Not for us" note. Specific feedback is a rarity and I was thrilled! I made my own book out of the story and it sits on my coffee table in the living room. It's not the best writing I've ever done, but the book is beautiful and it represents the first book I've completed - let alone having the guts to send it "out there".

So I began writing more. I've entered a national contest, which I didn't win, and have entered another recently. I've completed the outline for the book I'm writing and I've signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this year. The goal is to write 50,000 words toward a book during the month of November. I have high hopes. There are social events related to the challenge and I'm really looking forward to getting started.

All of this scares the hell out of me - but I'm doing it. There are times (a lot of times) when I'm filled with insecurity and doubt about my writing - but I'm doing it. I may never win a contest or be a published writer - but I'm doing it. I'm doing it for me and that's what matters.

The First Step

2008-10-15T22:11:00.006-06:00

In A.A., the first 'step' is to admit that you are powerless over your addiction. As I've said before; while I'm not comfortable with organized groups, I do believe that true sobriety can not be achieved without specific changes.

But that's not exactly what I want to discuss. I want to talk about being (or feeling) powerless. However you want to phrase it or whatever cliche you use, surrendering is, I believe, possibly the greatest thing one can achieve. It also seems to be the most difficult. We want control. We want to believe that we have the power to make things the way we want them to be, but it's such a waste of energy.

Now, I'm not talking about setting goals and reaching them. I'm not talking about the big things like, "what do I want to be when I grow up," or, "do I want to do well in school or at work?"

What I'm talking about here are the "little" things. The day to day routine things. The reason I've been thinking about this is because my car broke down the other day. Dead. Nothing. Out of the blue. It was working one minute and then...it just wasn't.

I know, I know. You're thinking, "what does all this have to do with recovery or addiction? And why am I still reading this crap?"

Well, I know it may seem trivial, but here's the thing:
See, I have a feeling there's an electrical problem and that I may not be able to afford to have it fixed. Before I got sober (and even in early sobriety) something like this would have set my whole world on tilt. "My God! Why do these things always happen to me? Right now is SUCH a bad time for this to happen. What did I do to deserve this? What am I going to do? AAAAUUUGHGHG!"
I would have been very uptight and wasted a lot of time an energy worrying about what I should do and yadda, yadda, yadda...

But when my car broke the other night, I wasn't upset at all. None of those thoughts went through my mind. And I was so grateful when I realized this. I know how stupid this may sound, but I don't care. I truly believe that there is a reason I don't have my car right now and may not be able to afford to have it fixed. I think the reason is that I needed to get off my ass and start exercising. The car thing has forced me to either walk or ride my bike to work. I think that's the reason. It's likely that I'm wrong.

The thing is: it doesn't matter. There's not a damn thing I can do right now about my car. It's broken. I'll have it towed to a mechanic and see what's going on with it. Then I'll go from there.

I've just been thinking about this for the past couple of days because I've surprised myself. It kind of blows me away that I didn't spaz out or waste a second of how good I've been feeling lately on something that's completely out of my control.

So I think the whole "surrender" thing is applicable to more than just admitting to not being able to control addiction. The truth is, there are a whole lot of things we don't have control over... and it's okay. And for me, anyway, the less I try to control, the happier I am.

Then again, I only live about two miles from work...

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-10-13T05:19:00.008-06:00

Today is my birthday. Not my belly-button birthday but my other, more important one. Today marks my 20th month of continuous sobriety. Has it been difficult? Sometimes. Especially the first six months or so when my body and brain were first starting to heal and I had cravings all the time. And using dreams. Those were worse for me than cravings.

My dreams would be filled with drugs: finding them, seeing them, going through the rituals associated with smoking meth and using. I've done a lot of different drugs in my life but the only ones I've ever dreamed about are meth and, very rarely, cocaine. It's the meth dreams that are most disturbing. In them, I always realize, just before I wake up in a panic, that I've just blown everything. All my hard work down the drain and I'm right back where I started and it terrifies me. In a cold panic, I try to think of a way to get the meth out - out of my system so I can have do-overs. In the dreams, I'm overcome with the realization that 'this is it'. I've sacrificed my sobriety and now there's no turning back. I'm filled with the dark, overwhelming knowledge that I don't have the strength to go through the battle of getting sober again. I will use for the rest of my life. I will die as a using addict.

Then I wake up and slowly start to realize that it was just a dream. I'm flooded with emotions, mostly gratitude. And fear. Fear because I know that the dreams are not far from reality.

I can never say, "I'll be sober for the rest of my life." If I start thinking that way, I'll get complacent and that's when I'd be in trouble. I have what I think is a healthy fear of 'falling off the wagon' as the saying goes. I guess you could say that I respect my addiction. But every day I stay sober is one day further from the nightmare I lived for so many years of my life.

I'm grateful for every one of the past 600 days.

So, happy birthday to me! Today is going to be a great day.

Dual Diagnosis and Recovery

2008-10-09T07:17:00.012-06:00

* * * *

I've had chemical depression all my life. This is different from the depression that most people go through at one time or another. The chemicals in my brains don't work like they should. Much like a person with epilepsy, I need daily medication to be able to function.

Unlike epilepsy, though, there's a huge stigma associated with mental illness. Especially depression. In the past twenty years or so, it seems everyone is on some kind of anti-depressant. It's almost chic. People even put their dogs on medication for depression and other 'puppy pathologies'. There are television and print ads all the time for one drug or another. "Tell your doctor you want (fill in the blank). It will open up a whole new world for you."

A quick aside: doesn't asking a doctor for medication as opposed to having one recommended make him/her a drug dealer? Just an observation...

I don't want to have depression. I would do anything to not be the way I am. The thing is, I just am this way. For good or ill, I'm playing the cards I've been dealt. Sometimes I play them better than others.

The stigma associated with mental illness resides in my mind as much as it does in society. There are times when I need my medication adjusted. There are times I forget a dose here and there. It's during these times, when the depression breaks through, that I feel like a freak. I can't stop crying about nothing. My motor skills deteriorate. It's difficult just to get up and make it through a day. Sometimes I think the worst part is that I know how weird it is. I understand how difficult it must be for the people around me who see me fall apart for no apparent reason. Most of all, I know how helpless it makes the people who love and care about me feel. All of this, of course, makes me feel like more of a freak.

I believe much of my addiction was an attempt at self-medicating. The hideous flip side is that I've done even more damage to my brain through years of meth and other drug use. Some say the additional damage is permanent. Some say my brain will repair itself with the passage of time. Regardless, I know I have to take medication every day for the rest of my life.

The biggest obstacle for me, though, isn't the medication. It's not even the stigma. The biggest obstacle is me accepting me. I know all of this about myself, yet I still get so frustrated and self-punishing when I have to face facts. When everything is going good, my meds are adjusted correctly and I'm taking them faithfully I don't think about it too much. I take things for granted. It's when things kind of get derailed and I feel myself slipping that I start feeling like a freak again and self-loathing creeps back in.

A huge part of my recovery, though, has been getting to a place where I can accept me for me. Over time, I've started to understand that the things that make me who I am - the good and the not so good - are okay. It's how I choose to deal with my idiosyncrasies that will make or break me.

So I'm trying. I'm trying to become comfortable living in my own skin, and I'm getting better at it, too. But sometimes, like today for instance, it takes more work than others. The difference now is that I know I can get through today and things will be better tomorrow if I just do the next right thing...whatever that may be.

Cravings and Addiction

2008-10-03T05:22:00.006-06:00

When a person is deeply involved in their addiction, their drug of choice becomes necessary to do even the most mundane tasks. I think this is true of all drugs (when I speak of drugs, remember: alcohol is also a drug). I know it's true of meth.

The thing about meth for me, was that in the early stages of my using I was a cleaning maniac. I would clean my house incessantly: vacuum, dust, wash the walls...

But years later, the only thing I did incessantly was smoke meth. Everything else, including house cleaning, just fell by the wayside. I always thought I was getting a lot done, but the reality was that all I did was get high and think about getting things done. Every once in a while, I have to remind myself of that.

I have a thing about doing dishes. I don't know what it is. I have a dishwasher, so you would think it would be easy to stick the dishes in it as soon as I'm done with them. Maybe it would be if the dishwasher were ever empty. I hate it that I'm so bad about doing dishes and I try to stay on top of it. Maybe it has to do with me living alone. There's no one to impress and my seventeen year old son doesn't care. I'm making a conscious effort to be better about doing the dishes, and I have gotten better about it. But I'm certainly not the housekeeper I was in the early days of my addiction.

Every once in a while, I'll have these cravings. I guess that's what they are, because my thinking goes something like this:
"If I had a teener, I could get a lot done today!"
Which leads to this:
"Well, if I had an eight-ball, I could really get a lot done! Why, I could clean up this whole house! Wait! If I had a quarter ounce, I would do deep cleaning. I could re-arrange the furniture..."
It goes on and on.

The thing that gets me through my cravings is playing the scenario all the way out. I know that, for me, there's no such thing as the 'weekend warrior'. I'm an addict and addicts don't dabble. Like I've said before: if I get back on that horse, I'll ride off into the sunset and never be seen again. This isn't because of what I've been told in rehab or A.A. or N.A. I know this because I know myself. I know my addiction

So, if the dishes don't get done in a timely manner, I guess that's a small price to pay for my sobriety.

(Right, mom? he he)

The Real Reason I Don't Drink Anymore

2008-09-30T05:41:00.006-06:00

Last weekend, I was at a poker party. Now, as some of you know, I have a hard time leaving my house, so this was huge for me. I'm not agoraphobic, but I do have some social anxiety - I tend to isolate.

Anyway, I went to this shin-dig and everyone there was drinking. When I first got there, I went to the fridge to get a Diet Coke and there was a twelve pack of beer. For the first time since I got sober, I thought, "Mmmm...beer!" Which is odd because I've always been a hard alcohol drinker. Beer was either just to chase the Jagermeister, or something I could take or leave. But I was irritated about some things that had happened that day and I was having bra-strap issues so I was feeling agitated. When I saw the beer, I thought how nice it would be to have one. Just to take the edge off, you know?

Someone told me that night, "If you want one, go ahead and have one." and for a split second, I considered it. Then I remembered that I have never wanted a beer. Ever. In my whole life, I've never even wanted a drink. I've wanted beers and drinks, but never a beer or a drink. Some, maybe most, people can have a drink and maybe not even finish it. I don't get that. Why bother? The way I see it, the only reason to drink at all is to keep having more drinks: to get drunk. If you're going to have just one beer, or one drink, why the hell are you bothering?!? Seems like a waste of perfectly good alcohol, to me.

Now, it has occurred to me in the past eighteen months, that my thinking may be skewed.

On my first day in rehab, my counselor asked me if I thought I could drink when I got out. I immediately answered, "Of course! My problem isn't alcohol. My problem is meth." (Actually, I didn't really think I was an addict at that time. I just thought I was really good at using drugs and rehab would be a great way for me to take a little break so I could catch up with the dragon I was forever chasing. Oy!)

Anyway, I know now that if I were to have a drink, I wouldn't stop until I was either drunk or the booze ran out. Most likely, the latter. And not just that. I know myself well enough to know that if my inhibitions are lowered, I would very likely go looking for meth. (or coke, or mushrooms, or acid, or...) I also know that if I were to jump on that ride again, I would probably never get off.

What I've told you here isn't just regurgitation of A.A. rhetoric. I know this within myself. I know that, for me, it's never about having a social drink (or line, or hit, or whatever). For me, it's all about escape. It's about altering my reality.

But so far, right now, my reality is pretty damn good.

The Walker Center

2008-09-25T06:18:00.009-06:00

In November, 2006, I went to the Walker Center in Gooding, Idaho for 30 day in-patient rehab for my addiction to meth. I had used drugs since I was twelve years old but it was because of meth that I ended up at the Walker Center.

For just over five years prior to going to rehab, I smoked meth every day without fail. All day, every day. Without exception.

A series of circumstances finally led me to admit to my parents that I was an addict and needed help. I looked at a lot of drug treatment centers before deciding on The Walker Center. There were several reasons for choosing this particular rehab center, only one of them being the cost.

What I would like to discuss here is a little known option for drug and alcohol rehab treatment - The Walker Center.

I researched numerous facilities and found the programs themselves to be fairly similar. The only noticeable differences were the amenities, prestige and cost. Most treatment centers cost between $50,000 and $100,000 for a 30 day stay. The same length of stay at the Walker Center is between $8,000 and $10,000. Why the difference? Fluff and prestige.

At a higher priced rehab center there will be amenities like fluffy down comforters on the beds, 600 thread count sheets, pools, spas, beautiful rolling hills surrounding the place, hiking trails beside trickling streams, swimming pools and topiary. As for the actual program, you will get individual and group therapy, drug and alcohol education classes, an intense family program, daily exercise and nutrition.

As for scenery, Gooding, Idaho is pretty flat and desolate, but surrounded by mountains and offering the most breath-taking sunrises and sunsets I've ever seen. There are no pools or spas and the sheets leave something to be desired. (although you can bring your own) The food, however, is exceptional. This is no small thing for addicts and alcoholics who, for the most part, are severely malnourished. (Many 'upscale' rehab centers I've heard about, from people who have been to them, have mediocre food and angry, underpaid cooks.)

The treatment offered at The Walker Center is first class. Although it was just the beginning of my journey, but I don't know how I would have achieved sobriety without in-patient rehab. I owe a lot to The Walker Center - and my parents who made it possible for me to get the help I so desperately needed.

Thank you (again) mom and dad.

A.A. - Cult or Cure? Part III

2008-09-22T23:02:00.001-06:00

Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Over Eaters Anonymous... and on... and on...

I've been on this rant now for three days. The reason is that I'm often asked why I don't go to meetings or why I'm not active in A.A. I suppose, then, that these posts have been my explanation, at least for myself.

I don't know if A.A. is a cult or not. I know there are very strong viewpoints on both sides about it and for that reason, there will never be a definitive answer. It's like arguing religion or abortion. The opposing sides are arguing with different sets of facts, so the argument becomes moot.

For me, it took a lot of work on myself to become sober. To maintain my sobriety is an ongoing process. Every day I make a conscious effort to have gratitude for the life I have now. I use what I've learned in Cognitive Self Change to help re-construct my thinking errors. I try not to isolate and I've found ways to fill my own personal void. I'll always be working on these things, knowing that my life is a thousand times better than when I was using.

Without these tools, without finding a new way to fill the emptiness I've always felt, I don't know how I could not want to go back to drugs.

So my unease with A.A. is not due to resistance or rebellion. I simply find that, for me, it's not something I need. Though it's a good starting point, I've just found too many inconsistencies, closed minds and hypocrisy in A.A., which are the same things I've found in most organizations.

Just because I think A.A. is not right for me doesn't mean my sobriety has any less quality than any other sober person.

A.A. - Cult or Cure? Part II

2008-09-20T09:44:00.002-06:00

Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Over Eaters Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous...this list goes on and on. Hard core members of A.A. swear by the program citing the Twelve Steps as the be-all end-all for sobriety. But is A.A. itself responsible for the sobriety of the addicts and alcoholics who fade in and out of the organization?

Before I go on, I want to make clear that I believe A.A. is a powerful program that helps keep people sober. I have attended many meetings and functions that have helped my sobriety. I do not, however, credit it for giving me or for maintaining the healthier, happier life I now live, nor do I continue to attend meetings.

I do agree with the theory of the 'dry drunk'. (or the smokeless, powder less, pill-less addict) My belief is that while a person can get sober through sheer will-power, that doesn't bring any more happiness or fulfillment as a human. They are simply sober with no 'tools', or chemicals, to ease the pain of being human.

I owe my sobriety, and my life, to the changes I have made cognitively and spiritually, aided by in-patient rehab, ongoing therapy...and A.A. All of which had played a part in giving me the tools I needed to bring myself out of my head and into the world around me.

In the rooms of A.A. I have found, at times, peace and acceptance, blind faith, hypocrisy and little, if any, critical thinking: the same things I have found in organized religion. My intent here is not to bash or discredit A.A. My intent is to take an objective look at the program.

The AA GSO (Alcoholics Anonymous General Service Organization) has, for years, conducted surveys every three years. They count members and ask about length of sobriety. A document was published by the A.A. world services, for internal use only. (Document number 5M/12-90/TC) Below are the findings of those surveys showing staggering drop out and relapse rate of newcomers.

81% are gone (19% remain) after 1 month;
90% are gone (10% remain) after 3 months,
93% are gone (7% remain) after 6 months,
and 95% are gone (5% remain) at the end of one year.

Do these numbers add up to success?

The principles espoused by 12 Step Programs manifest in in such universals as The Golden Rule and the Ten Commandments. Without listing all twelve steps here, the basic tenants are: realize there is something greater than yourself, adhere to rigorous honesty in all aspects of your life, admit when you're wrong, make amends whenever possible, take responsibility for your actions, get out of your own damn head in order to give back to others what you've taken and have gratitude for what you have in your life and the world around you.

Does lack of membership in any organization deem someone incapable of these qualities? Is A.A. the only way to come to this realization?

(to be continued...)
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A.A. - Cult or Cure?

2008-09-18T18:42:00.003-06:00

Alcoholics Anonymous. Narcotics Anonymous. Cocaine Anonymous. Gambling Anonymous. Over Eaters Anonymous. And on, and on, and on...

A.A. has been touted, since it's inception in 1934, as being The Way to quit drinking. It has since expanded to include all kinds of deviant behaviors. (Telephone Scatologia Anonymous?) Every rehab facility that I know of utilizes the 12 Step model. Every person convicted of any crime related to drug or alcohol use or abuse is court ordered, in some way, to attend some form of A.A. (Anyone who has ever been to a meeting knows what the 'green card' is.) Employers send drinking or drugging employees to A.A. as a requirement for continued employment. Parents send children, children send parents and spouses send each other.

There is no shortage of people in "the rooms" as the meeting places are referred to. If we suspect that someone has a substance abuse problem, the immediate and universal advice is, "You need to go to A.A. - get a sponser, work the steps." Social workers, counselors, doctors, nurses, bosses and shrinks use that phrase without thinking. It's like a safe haven in a storm: when all is hopeless and you don't know what to do... push 'em toward A.A.! The cornerstone of the program is that, "It works if you work it..." and if it doesn't work, well, that just means you're not ready. "The program," A.A. veterens say, "will work for you when you're ready. If you're not ready, that's on you. The program always works." Well, maybe they don't say 'always', but the true believers claim a staggering 80 - 90% success rate. Astonishing? YES! Accurate, well...

(to be continued...)

Weighing In

2008-09-17T22:47:00.005-06:00

All my life I have struggled with my weight. I've been on diets, joined gyms, bought exercise equipment and consumed disgusting liquids, all with the hope of attaining some golden number on the scale. I struggled with, and finally sought treatment for, bulimia for over thirteen years. When I was about 27 I looked fantastic. I worked out about three hours a day, five or six times a week, doing step aerobics and pyramid weight lifting. I sometimes wonder where I got the energy and motivation to maintain a program like that - and then I remember: I was at the peak of my cocaine addiction and taking prescription diet pills at the time. No wonder I had so much damn energy!
Sometimes I look at pictures of myself then and wonder if, at age 40, my body could once again withstand a diet of phen-phen and coke. Probably not.

After a lifetime of dedicated drug use (cocaine being only one in a sea of drugs for over 20 years) and the near equivalent of that time devoted to an eating disorder, I have now royally destroyed my metabolism. (And my parents said I never accomplished anything!) I am heavier now than I have ever been in my life and I really don't eat that much. I try to eat lots of fresh vegetables and drink lots of water (I've also done a number on my kidneys over the years) and while I have an affection for carbohydrates, my eating habits certainly do not constitute the number I see on the scale.
Actually, the number on my scale bounces around a lot. While I'm standing on it. This is because I've kicked it into the wall a few times too many and it's not exactly in the best shape.

I have a pretty good idea of what I weigh, hence the ritualistic 'kicking of he scale' and it's too damn much. I no longer reward a two pound loss with a box of Twinkies, but it hardly seems to matter. I have parked myself in a fat suit and am uncomfortable living in my own skin.
I know that the only way to fix this is through exercise - and lots of it. But I'm so embarrassed being in public, let alone attempting to move quickly while other people are watching, that it's hard to get started again. I bought a bicycle and rode it to work for about a week, but I was ashamed to be seen peddling and sweating in commuter traffic. I keep it in my house next to front door. (It makes quite a unique coat rack.) I bought some weights and keep them in the living room as a visual reminder to use them, but after tripping over them so often I've developed animosity toward them. I have a brand new mini-trampoline that sits in the middle of the living room - again as a visual reminder. This, I actually use. I step on it every time I go to put a DVD in the player. (I just love movies!) I bought a complete set of workout DVD's featuring Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser and I've watched them all. I also have a membership to a gym. The little plastic tab given to me for checking in and out of the gym makes a stylish key ring accessory.

I've been thinking, the past couple of days, that there may be a better use for all this extra furniture/exercise equipment I've invested in. I mean, for God's sake! I have a coat closet right next to my front door. It has hangers in it and everything!

So I'm going to 'go for it'. I'm going to 'just do it!' I'm made a plan and am starting tonight, by God! Now that I've publicly plead guilty to my sin of apathy, I'm hoping... no, GOING to kick it into high gear, so to speak, and give this exercise thing a decent try. (Of course, I'll have to get a new scale so I'll know if it's working.)

Wish me luck! I'll keep you posted.

Our Deepest Fear

2008-09-17T22:47:00.003-06:00

I have something that I keep on the wall next to where I write and also at work on a bulletin board by my desk. A counselor gave it to me when I was in rehab. The first time I read it, I cried. It just really hit home...and made me think about what it is that most holds me back in my life. I would like to share it with you here.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful

beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most

frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small

does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so

that other people won't feel insecure

around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in Everyone.

And as we let our own Light shine, we

unconsciously give other people permission

to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our

presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson.

Using Dreams

2008-09-17T12:48:00.003-06:00

I've always had vivid dreams. All my life I've had trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality - at least when I first wake up - because they're so real. I dream in technicolor. I can smell, touch, taste and feel. They're as real to me as sitting here now, writing this post. So imagine what my using dreams are like. Loading my meth pipe from huge bags of crystal...lighting it...breathing it in...(although, as I write this, I'm realizing I never feel the high. Hmmm. I hadn't really realized that before.)

But every time I have these dreams, the same thing happens: I suddenly realize what I've done and then it's like, "Shit! I just blew everything!" I get a horrible, panicky feeling and know that I can't undo what I've just done. I've ruined it - I've fucked up my sobriety and now I have to start all over!! And in my dreams I always try desperately to find a way to get the meth out of me. Then, when I wake up, the feeling lingers and for a few moments I'm filled with anxiety and the horror that I've thrown away everything I've worked so hard for. (and didn't even feel the high! Damn!)

The feeling fades after short while, and then I'm filled with gratitude that I didn't actually ruin everything. I'm still sober. I still have all that I've fought so hard for. I don't know if this kind of thing happens more with meth addicts or not. The using dreams have lessened as I get more sober time, but they still happen occasionally, and always with less power. They're upsetting to me because, just as in my last post, my biggest fear is that I'll never escape the thoughts and feelings associated with meth... that I'll never live a 'normal' life... that I'll be forever haunted by crystal and glass.

But, as I've said, as time goes on, and my sobriety strengthens, they begin to fade. I think that especially in my early sobriety, they were a good thing. The relief I felt upon waking and realizing I was still sober filled me with gratitude and strengthen my desire to live my life without meth.

What's in Your Bucket?

2008-09-17T07:56:00.001-06:00

I loved the movie “The Bucket List”. Not only because two of my favorite actors were in it, but because of the idea of having a bucket list. I think that to really live life requires going beyond merely living a day to day existence. It’s not the moments in life, but the life in those moments that make life worthwhile. As long as we’re all kicking it on this spinning rock for however long we’ve got, we might as well get everything out of it we can! What do you want to do? What excites you? What do you daydream about thinking to yourself, “someday…” Wouldn’t it be fabulous if everyday were ’someday’?
The owner of the company I work for decided, somewhere around the age of thirty, that he wanted to be an MMA cage fighter. So he began training hard. His goal was to eventually get good enough to be allowed to be locked in a cage with a sweaty man and just MMA’ing the crap out of him until one of them tapped out or died - whichever came first. Suffice to say: Senor B. kicked some wimpy guy’s butt. He set a pretty difficult goal for himself and achieved it!
True, some people have pretty bizarre ways of getting all they can out of life, but who am I to judge? Besides…this writing thing hasn’t quite taken off yet and I enjoy the benefits of full time employment.
But let’s get back to mere mortals since that’s the category the rest of us fall into most of the time. Why wait until that elusive ’someday’ to come along to grab the proverbial brass ring? What do you want to do? Climb Mt. Everest? Swim with dolphins? Fly a plane? Have two babes at your beck and call 24/7? I say GO FOR IT!

My own list is short right now.
1) I want to raft the Grand Canyon
2) dress up like Janis Joplin and sing “Cry Baby” at a Karaoke joint
3) live on a houseboat for six months

Oh, and one more thing. My dad told me when I was a little girl that someday I could have a pony. He still tells me that, ”someday isn’t here yet…just wait!” Wow… my very own pony! I’m so excited!!

Taking Back My Power

2008-09-15T20:08:00.002-06:00

As much as I hate to admit it, I still get cravings for meth. I've been sober now for seventeen months and I sometimes wonder when they will stop. Unfortunately, I don't know if they ever will. Oh, I'm sure that with time, they will ease. I know they already have for me. It's just discouraging.

About six months ago, I decided I was doing well enough to start looking for my own place to live. I would go look at apartments and houses and leave extremely upset because as soon as I walked in , all I could think about was where I could use. "This room is great because no one can see into it from the front door." Or, "Now THAT'S a great stash place!"

These thoughts would just blindside me. It wasn't that I wanted to use meth. It was just these uncontrollable thoughts and feelings would smack me in the face like an icy brick.

In rehab, they would always talk about cravings. "Do you have cravings? What triggers your cravings? What will you do when you have cravings at home?" I thought they were crazy. I always thought of cravings as something like the way I feel when I get my period and I NEED CHOCOLATE. Like you can taste it and it's all you can think about. Then I realized that's pretty much the way I thought of meth for a long time after I quit using.

I know other addicts must feel the same way, and I know it's all part of the recovery process. It just scares me when, out of nowhere...BAM! I'm blind sided and feel like I'm regressing instead of PROgressing.

One thing I have learned, though, is that by expressing these feelings instead of keeping them to myself out of shame, the power of the thoughts go away. That's why I'm writing this blog: to take back my power.

Meth Addiction, Recovery and Sobriety

2008-09-14T21:32:00.001-06:00

This is a brand new blog, created by me for the purpose of talking about all things recovery. I am a recovering meth addict - clean now for one year and seven months. (as of this post) I hope to write about how my life was affected by meth addiction, my own recovery and continued sobriety. This will be humorous, and insightful. I hope you'll come back often as I plan to post every day.

Thank you for stopping by!